The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Saturday 10th January.

10:00am

Dad made breakfast. Like, a proper breakfast with juice and pancakes. I'm becoming more and more suspicious of him.

'What are you girls planning to do today?'

We both shrug.

'Fiona, perhaps you could show Daphne around town? I'm sure she'd like that, wouldn't you Scooby?'

Fiona's head whips round like an owl with wide eyes to look at me. I stare at my food.

'Who's Scooby?'

Oh Christ. Now I have to explain my name to her.

I start shovelling pancakes into my mouth like an idiot.

Even though my mother had decided I was to be Daphne, my Dad, the 'jokester' that he is, decided the only other Daphne he knew was the one from Scooby Doo, and somehow the nickname stuck.

'I am. It's a long story.'

'Oh. Well, I'd love to show you round, Scooby,' she says with a smile. Oh no, she thinks it's cute.

Don't think its cute, stop thinking it's cute!!

Great, she's going to keep calling me it as well now. Remind me to kill my father later.

12:00pm.

The town is actually sort of beautiful.

All the roads are really small and cobble covered, and the shops are all adorable independents with some really funky stuff.

Fiona's lived here her whole life so she knows all the places to show me, including the sweet shop with floor to ceiling shelves crammed with the good stuff, and the café her parents run right in the middle of town.

Well, one of the many cafés they own. They have a whole chain of them.

Apparently they are quite a big deal in the beverage shop world. Royalty almost.

I resist the urge to curtsy when we go in.

Her father seems normal, as in he's wearing average Dad clothes and doesn't have tattoos covering any skin I can see.

I bet he would never say 'Rock on!' to 'Melanie, I Insist' either.

Fiona's mum gave us both a coffee on the house and sent us on our way, slipping Fiona a twenty-pound note before we left.

I nearly wept.

1:30pm

Fiona takes me to the beach where we meet up with Eddie, Alex and Jade. Alex looks like a little five foot round ball, she's so bundled up in her coat and scarf.

She has one of those Russian furry hats on as well.

I try not to laugh. Or pull it down over her head.

'So what do you think of our fair town?' Eddie asks.

I sit down on the pebbles. Trust Dad to move us to the seaside where the beach is made up of stones instead of sand.

'It's nice.' For once I'm not lying.

'Good. It must be different from London.'

'Yep.'

'Why'd you move?'

'My mum died, and I think my dad likes ruining my life.'

'Oh.'

They all look awkwardly at each other.

'It's fine. She was ill for a while, it was probably better in the end.'

I don't know why, but people need to know that you are OK after someone you know dies; otherwise they will pity you forever.

I don't like being pitied.

'Plus, there was this whole fight with her parents and my Dad- they wanted to pay for me and my brother to go to boarding school but my Dad said no. So instead he made a deal, we moved here and well- you know the rest.'

'So your Dad moved with you so you could be day-timers instead of boarders, but still go to an outrageously pompous British public school and make your grandparents happy?' Eddie asks, skimming a stone.

'Bingo.'

'Wow. What a weird family.'

'Come on Scooby,' Fiona stands up.

I can't believe it. She can't believe it. It's unbelievable, that's why.

I asked her not too, and she just did.

I start planning all the ways I can kill her and get away with it.

'Who?' Eddie pounces on it.

'It's my nickname. You know, from Scooby Doo? It's my dad's joke, it's the only other Daphne he knows...' I start explaining. No getting away from it.

'Wait, Frasier? That old American show? Yeah, I think our mum used to watch it,' Jade says.

'That's where my name is from.'

Now I'm definitely going to be pitied. Crap.

7:00pm

I call Fiona.

'Hello?'

'I'm going to kill you.'

'I thought you might.'

'Fair warning.'

'OK. See you at school tomorrow.'

'Or will you...?'

I hang up before she can answer.