The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Saturday 7th March

8:30am

OK, game face.

Today's the day.

I've watched enough movies to know that at times like this, all you need is a pep talk.

8:40am

Standing in front of my bedroom mirror giving myself a stern talking to like Vinnie Jones would in...well, just about any movie he's been in really.

8:50am

'Some are born great...some achieve greatness...'

'There can be miracles when you believe...' Gone a bit Whitney Houston now. Oh well.

'Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!'

Oh, that's a good one. My mum always used to say it.

9:15am

Oh, God. THIS ISN'T WORKING.

10:00am

I head downstairs and find Dad already sitting at the table eating breakfast with the other two madmen I'm forced to live with.

'Morning love,' he says, sliding a cup of tea towards me.

'What are you doing up?' I ask surprised. 'I didn't realise you knew that ten am was an actual time at the weekends, I thought you just presumed it was a myth.'

'I had to see for myself. You excited for the weekend?'

I get the pesky knot in my stomach that's been making appearances all week whenever Dad mentions the party.

'I went to a party with the Queen once. We frenched behind the statues in the Palace garden.'

'Yes alright, thank you Granddad.'

11:30am

I scuttled off before Granddad Tony could scar me anymore with his old tales. That has to be the sickest thing I've ever heard.

Inside my room I barricade the door so no nosy dads or annoying little brothers can come barging in. I need to focus.

There is an empty suitcase on the floor and I intend to fill it.

Mainly with clothes but maybe some snacks in case I get peckish over the weekend.

I've heard royalty only eats weird things, like caviar. And Théo is French so he'll eat stuff like frog's legs and snails.

Ugh, I feel a bit sick now.

I'll just have a quick lie down before packing I think.

12:30pm

Fee comes round with the biggest suitcase I have ever seen.

'Did you pack a small country in there?'

She's got a hefty swing with her handbag; let me tell you that.

1:00pm

Sat outside on the bench Dad put in front of the pub for people who want to have a smoke.

I'm so nervous my knee's jiggling about all over the place, like a Morris dancer.

'Calm down, you're acting like you're being sent to prison.'