Just An Act

Chapter 9: Discovering Ruins

  "So how has your life been going?" Shay asked as she plunked her lunch down beside me on the table. I looked up at her, my fork stopping mid air.

  "Um. Hey." I said, forcing a small smile. I took a bite of the pasta that was sitting on my plate. 

  Shay raised her eyebrow at me and opened her lunchbox.

  "Oh. Its been life." I said, remembering she had asked me a question. She eyed me suspiciously but brushed it off.

  We finished eating in an awkward silence, and both headed headed to class afterwards. School hours went by slow as hell for me. Days seemed to get longer and longer. I couldn't wait until class was out so I could walk out the door.

  Riding home was a silent tomb. Kent shot a few smart lines at me but I shot him down with snapping one word sentences. He quickly shut up and focused on his driving. 

  I walked into my bedroom and threw my backpack down onto my bed. Pulling out my phone, I typed in my passcode and flopped down on my bed. 

Are you okay? You didn't look to good at school today. -Shay

Yeah I'm fine :) -Jade

Okay.. Well do you want to hang out again? -Shay

Um I don't know. I'm kinda busy this week -Jade

Jade. Come on, why are you pushing me away? -Shay

I'm not. I'm just busy -Jade

Okay. Fine. I am too. I'll see you at school -Shay

Seeya -Jade

  I locked my phone and threw it across my bed. Staring at the ceiling, I tried to find blemishes in the smooth glossy paint. 

  I'm not pushing people away. Am I? No I'm not. I just don't want to be with people right now. It's not my fault I feel completely unsociable. Or maybe it is.. Am I wrong? Or maybe I'm right. I'm an ignorant person who can't feel emotion towards others. I'm blind and I can't see the pain I cause others. I'm not even sure I'm sane anymore. What am I doing. What am I thinking. Where did I go? Why do my thoughts eat me alive? So many questions. Did mom have to leave me? Why do I feel like my heart has been smashed with a hammer? Why do I hate myself so much?

  As my thoughts ate me alive, all I could do was curl up in a ball on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest. I didn't cry, I just squeezed my eyes shut. All the agony that had been bottled up for so long, poured out into my thoughts. The years of pain since she left. The hurt that I felt when dad came home and said that my mother wasn't coming home.

  Do you know how much that effects a child? I need my mother, just like every other person needs a mother figure. Pulling out my laptop, I logged into Facebook to check my notifications. A few likes, and a few shares. I scrolled through my feed, ignoring the the pinging from my phone indicating Laurel was spamming me. Again. I reached over and turned it to 'Do not disturb' so I wouldn't have to listen to the notifications. Laurel had to wait.

  What is wrong with me? I'm ignoring my friends now? Since when did I become a social recluse?

  Just then, my phone started ringing. I picked it up and looked at the caller ID. Greenwood daycare. Suddenly I smacked my forehead. 

  "Shit! I was supposed to volunteer yesterday and today! Ugh!" I yelled at myself. I ran my hands through my hair and pressed accept. 

  "Hello?" I spoke into the receiver. 

  "Hey Jade, this is Carol from the nursery." 

  "Oh hey Carol!" I said, forcing enthusiasm into my voice.

  "Hey Jade, I was wondering how come you didn't come in yesterday or today?" Carol inquired worriedly.

  "Are you okay?" She finished.

  "Yeah I'm okay. I'm just not feeling well. I'm so so sorry about not coming in! I'll try my best to come in next week. Is that okay?" I asked, pleadingly. 

  "Well, I guess so. But make sure you come in. Okay?" I heard Carol sigh.

  "Goodbye, Jade." 

  "Bye Carol."

  I closed the call and sank back into my pillows. Why does nothing go right for me?

  All I ever do is ruin things. I ruin relationships, lives, people, and.. God knows what else. Why do you always have to ruin things Jade?!  I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could and held my breath, wishing the thoughts away. God, I hate this so much. I'm such a screw up. 

---

  Staring at my hands, I turned them slowly, examining the rough edges of my once smooth nails. The black nail polish was chipping, and peeling away from time. My hands seemed as pale as the moonlight streaming through my window and dancing on my walls. Somehow, time had slipped past me, and it was 11 p.m. 

  I yawned, a feeling of exhaustion covering me like a cold wave of reality. I pulled my bedspread over my shoulders, shivering as the slight breeze from my blowing fan whispered past me, chilling my neck. Ignoring the fact I hadn't changed my clothes, I closed my eyes, and everything went black.

  I woke up with a start, looking at my alarm clock. Shit 8:00. Some how I'd forgotten to reset my alarm clock, the night before. I groaned as I rolled over. Pushing my bedspread off, I flopped off the edge of my bed onto the floor with a loud grunt.

  "Ugh." I sat up and opened my eyes, pushing my tangled hair out of my eyes. 

  I smacked my lips in distaste at my morning breath. What a beautiful morning to go back to sleep. I slowly pushed myself off the floor with my hands, and stood up slowly wincing at the pain in my legs. 

  Not bothering to hurry, I pushed my closet doors open and stood, slouching in front of them. Eyeing the different array of clothes before me, I covered my mouth while I yawned widely. I pulled out a dark blue and black checkered top with a pair of black skinny skinny jeans from Aero, and picked a choker from my jewelry wrack.

  When I was finally ready, I picked up my backpack and plunked down the steps slowly into the quiet house. Why the hell didn't Kent wake me? Ass hole. Not bothering with breakfast, I opened the front door and locked it behind me, walking out into crisp morning air. 

  As I walked down the sidewalk past the quiet houses, I pulled out my earbuds and turned on my music. 

  "You don't have to lie I know exactly where you be-" My music stopped suddenly as my world swirled and I collapsed to the pavement, a beautiful dark bliss surrounding me.

---

  The first thing I felt was a crushing headache. It poured into every crook and crevice of my head, feeling as if it were splitting apart. I grimaced, and pushed myself up.. On a bed? Where the hell am I?

  I looked around at the pale blue- Oh god. 

  "Am I in the hospital?" I asked out loud to no one, before noticing Kent sitting in the chair beside the bed fast asleep, his head bowed. Just then the white curtain separating the room was shoved back, revealing a doctor. 

  Kent woke up with a start, and greeted the doctor.