12 - Apologies

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For the next couple of hours, I'm a ball of nerves

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For the next couple of hours, I'm a ball of nerves. Pain, desperation, and anger go hand in hand; the call to the realtor to finally move out of the condo is first on my list. Unfortunately, the housing market is tight so close to Christmas, but she is hopeful that more apartments will come on the market in the new year. Until then, I'm stuck in Felix's condo which sucks.

The notification window of an incoming email briefly diverts my attention. It's Patrick, asking me if we can meet up this Friday. Gwen, his sister, will also be there. Even though I really want to see them and catch up, the promise I made to Felix sits like a heavy lump in my stomach. I swore I wouldn't date Patrick, but what about a casual get-together, especially if Gwen joins us? Felix couldn't possible take offense by something that innocent, yet deep down I know I'm just trying to justify a foolish idea. Patrick is the one he has the issue with and any meeting would infuriate him. It's up to me to choose if I want to test his limits.

I decide to reread the contract, just to know my rights. The passage is straight forward, prohibiting me from entering into any sexual relationship during my surrogacy. Technically, that includes Felix, so from that end, I'm already in breach. There is no mentioning that I couldn't have casual guy friends, but that wouldn't prevent Felix from blowing anything relating to Patrick out of proportion.

To distract myself, I download In My Attic by Lina Hansen from Amazon and get comfortable on the terrace with a pitcher of lemonade and my iPad. Usually, I dig cozy mysteries, but I get stuck on the first page. The ugly fight is on auto-replay in my mind as I keep massaging the sore spots on my wrist that have started to darken. A voice of doubt grows louder with every breath. I've never had anyone grab me that roughly, though in his defense, Felix had been stressed out, which could've caused him to overreact. Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

I try to put myself in his shoes. Jealousy has always been a weakness to a point where at least half my boyfriends had broken up with me for being too clingy. My friend Alice even joked once that I was a stalker when I started to follow Rodger around after suspecting that he was seeing another girl behind my back. That I was proven right only added insult to injury. No one ever understood that I did these things because I truly cared. Maybe it's the same for Felix. If he had zero feelings for me, he wouldn't even have gotten upset about Patrick.

When the terrace door slides back, I blink at the sudden intruder.

"Mr. Dunnerson had these delivered." Silk, carrying a huge box, smiles.

"What is it?"

"Books. He had called and told me that he had forgotten that you wanted to go to the bookstore. His secretary brought them over."

With a frown, I peek into the package. True and behold, the whole box is stuffed with books, but not just any book. It's my whole Amazon wish list.

"How did he know I wanted these?" I always thought those lists are private.

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