So We Had an Affair: A Confessional

Philodosia and Feelings

It had been almost two weeks since I had moved in with the Miranda's and it really wasn't too bad. Vanessa was still working so she wasn't home all the time. Lin also usually had things to do during the day so he would go out too. Candace went with Kendall to drop off my doppelgänger. Kendall would be staying with her as they travelled to keep up the charade. I hung out with Sebastian for most of the days.

"Y/N?" Sebastian asked one day. Lin and Vanessa had already left. We were finishing our breakfast together.

"What's up, buddy?" I asked between bites.

"Are you having a baby?" He asked innocently. I stopped chewing. It was hard to swallow. I knew this time would come.

"Uhm, yeah..." I blinked back my emotional tears.

"What's the baby's name?"

"I don't know yet..."

"Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?"

"I don't know yet..."

"I can't wait to meet baby I don't know yet." Sebastian grinned. My heart swelled with love for Sebastian. We both chuckled.

"Well, I know. Do you know the song Dear Theodosia?"

"Mommy's song!"

"Yes." I laughed. "How about we call the baby Philodosia until we find out if he is a Philip or she is a Theodosia?"

"Hmm, Philodosia." He tested the name then nodded. "Philodosia!" He hopped off his seat then kissed my stomach before hugging me.

"Why thank you for that." I chuckled as I wiped away some tears. "Let's go play, Spidey Seb!"

Later that day, Lin knocked on my door then came into my room. I had just taken a bath and was sitting in the window seat watching the city still alive at night.

"Hey," He said keep the distance between us.

"Hey." I answered. The silence of the room was deafening. Keeping Lin at arm's length was difficult for not just him but me. It turned into him not spending too much time around me so that he wasn't over step the boundaries I had created. Lin was clearly still in love with me enough to want to be closer but he cared enough to respect me regardless of his feelings. Honestly, it made it harder. As a result most of our encounters were like this. Him standing a mile away and me not looking him in the eye. I think Vanessa liked it despite feeling the tension that had grown between me and Lin.

"I have to leave." Lin said finally. My heart began to race.

"What? Why?!"

"That's not the words." Lin tried to say jokingly.

"Where are you going?" I asked quickly.

"Out of state."

"For how long?"

"A week..."

"No, no!" I felt myself start to wheeze from breathing to quickly.

"You'll be fine."

"Are you crazy? Your wife doesn't trust me!"

"Around me."

"Lin!" I cried. Suddenly I felt two arms wrap around me. The warmth was welcoming. I leaned into it more and was hugged tighter. I felt my breathing slow down. I took a deep breath. I looked up into Lin's eyes. He was searching mine. "Kiss me."

"But I thought..."

"Lin, please," I begged. Lin wasted no time kissing me. There was always need and passion in our kisses but this fervor was dizzying. We drank each other up like the other was water. We couldn't get enough of the other. I pulled away first knowing that anymore and I'd really disrespect Vanessa. Lin held onto me although he stopped kissing me.

"You won't even notice I'm gone." He assured me. His hand was rubbing a circle into my back.

"Uh huh." I wiped away the hot tears that seemed to come out every chance they could. He kissed my cheek then left the room. I stood at the door almost tempted to walk out and grab him.

"V, what's gotten into you?" I heard Lin say.

"We haven't done much... I just thought maybe you could fulfill you duty as a husband? You know before you go off for a week?" I then heard a loud wet kiss and a pop.

"V, are you marking me?" Lin chuckled. The next sounds were the worse. I heard the unbuckling of Lin's belt. Vanessa moaned and I heard the furniture they were leaning on creaking.

"Yes, Lin! Yes, baby!" Vanessa cried out. I climbed in bed but my memories replayed the sounds torturously. I didn't get a lick of sleep. I was still awake the next morning but pretended to be asleep when Lin came to kiss me goodbye. I got up and sat in the window, watching the city wake with life. The first day was quiet. Vanessa took Sebastian with her. They were gone all day. Candace came to check on me and forced me to eat. I didn't speak much but she didn't say anything about it. She carried all the conversations. The next day was the same. The third was no different. On the fourth day, Candace had had enough.

"Y/N, what's going on? You've been basically glued to the window all week. I don't understand. Please, speak to me." Candace voiced her concern. She had watched me sit on the sill for four days and was sick of it.

"How's Kendall?" I asked.

"He's good. Your twin is doing a good job. We'll have to thank Anthony for the idea. I'm shocked it's working at all." I nodded. Candace sighed. "Look, I'll be around later tomorrow but I'm still coming by. Please, remember to eat. If not for you then at least for Baby Philodosia?" I nodded. Candace hugged me and left. On the fifth day, Vanessa finally addressed me. I don't know if it was because Lin would be returning soon or if it was because Candace wasn't coming in so early. I heard two hard knocks on my doorframe.

"I know you're awake and I know you heard what happened Lin's last night." I looked over at Vanessa then turned back to the window. "I just had to remind you whose house this is." Vanessa said.

"I never forgot."

"You never forgot? You think I don't know what happened when he told you he was leaving?"

"You've made your point, Vanessa."

"You just remember..."

"You've made your point, now get out!" I erupted. I was tired and hungry. Hearing the sounds of her and Lin echoing in my mind.

"Hey!"

"Get out!" I stood up. Vanessa backed out of the room looking shocked. I locked the door once she was out. A few minutes later my phone started ringing. Lin's name appeared on the caller ID. I threw the phone across the room. It landed with a thud near the window. I looked out the window. The sun had risen over the city. It was bustling and alive. I looked over the people walking and free. I opened the window and felt the stuffy hot air wash over me. I stepped out onto the fire escape. I took a deep breath. I laughed feeling tears filling my eyes and falling. I looked around in wonder.

"Where to, baby?" I asked Philodosia. I looked down then up. I hadn't been up to the roof yet and it was a shorter distance. I climbed up to the roof. Despite beginning to sweat, I felt good. It was nice to stretch and breathe instead of sitting inside. I got up to the roof and spun around. I danced around in circles until I was dizzy. I got so dizzy that I tripped on something. I cried out as I felt a pain in my left ankle. I tried to move it but was only met with more pain. My pregnancy belly made it impossible to get myself up with one leg or by rolling over. I decided to sit it out on the roof. Someone would come up eventually, right? The sun climbed in the sky as I waited on the roof, but no one came. I laid back on the ground feeling faint. The sun lowered but there was still no one on the roof. I was thirsty and hungry. I also wanted to throw up. I couldn't resist the urge to close my eyes for a little while...