LETTERS TO REALITY ✓

NAMJOON

LETTER THREE
To Kim Namjoon

Firstly, I love you and not a day goes by without missing you.

You were the kind of person all good, lovable humans deserve because you were one yourself. I believe what we give, we get back.

I believe that you were the man that was destined to change everyone's lives. For the better. You were the one too good for this cruel world. You were the one taken too soon. Although, I didn't know you long. I knew you enough.

My parents don't ask me about you anymore, my friends have forgotten how much you meant to me and how big of an influence you had on my life. They don't know about your wise teachings at midnight, your humorous jokes and how you'd speak poetry. No one knows and no one cares. When you don't know someone personally, it doesn't hit the same. They think about it for a while, sympathy flashing on their faces briefly and then they move on. They have no idea how many times you run through my mind every day.

Don't you get tired of running? You'd make a joke like that.

Let's be honest, how can anyone forget you? You're not the kind of person people walk away from, never taking a single glance back. You left your permanent imprint on people and everyone wanted to know you better.

I'm lucky I was one of those people. I could and will, never forget the way you looked in a crowd at a concert. Anyone could spot you from a mile away, you jumping up and down, the spirited music flooding through your veins. It was your happy place to feel the music. Music is like poetry! You'd shout and I'd shout back. I will never forget the way your eyes looked when you tried to stay awake, half-open, short eyelashes on display. I will never forget your fashion sense, scarves, cardigans, baggy jeans and how it attracted looks, how it showed comfort and amazement.

There was more to you than your beige hair, the soft strands of your chaotic hair, your oval, chocolate eyes and how they looked when the sunshine hit them, your tall frame and your autumn coloured cardigans, your rowdy laughter that you covered with your hand, your dimples, your voice-

Fuck. I'm crying... I've tried writing this letter twice.

It's really hard.

There was more to you than just your appearance. That's what everyone knew or saw. I mean yes, that smile you showed when you were really cheerful did make my insides melt. I never told you how much I loved your smile. You know the one where your nose scrunched and your eyes closed, your lips turning up? It made me so damn happy.

There was, of course, your careful words and advice that stayed with people for longer than you realised. It was about how you loved sitting outside with a book on a cool day, when the sky was clear and blue. How you had a bullet journal filled with dreams and pressed flowers that would always fall out. How you loved going on long walks with a coral umbrella just in case it rained and if it did rain, you'd forget to use it. It was about how you forced yourself not to think about anything bothersome, wanting to enjoy life in everyday. How you put people first before you, how you advised them patiently. How you never fell in love (but could've) yet everyone around you found themselves fallen- fallen for an incredible man who attracted wonder.

Fallen for the man whose life was taken away too soon.

You were an unbelievable friend. One I had the honour of meeting in a cafe where you complimented my handwriting. I wished that you'd be someone I'd get to keep for a lifetime, someone that wouldn't leave me.

But you did. Unintentionally.

Cancer.

The deadly disease crept into your body and you changed.