Not Another High School Love Story

26. Growing Pains

Nothing feels right anymore, my world's in a frantic free fall and I can't do anything about it. My body feels tired, so does my soul, but I don't have the option of staying down to nurse my wounds. I'd been granted one day off from school, which had been yesterday, but now I'm right back at it like nothing's changed at all. Nobody else seems to notice a difference, everyone says hi to me and still expects that I'll be the cooler version of myself they've come to know. That's just high school I guess, maybe I'm supposed to learn how to fake it like the Populars do. I am like them now, aren't I?

I'm just as far out of my league as I've always been though, I honestly don't know how to pretend I'm fine after what happened. First period hasn't even started yet and I don't think I can do this. I spent all yesterday crying like a fucking five year old and I'm pretty sure I didn't get it all out. My heart's still broken and I'm still so fucking tired, but I force myself to go on. Breathe in, breathe out, put one foot in front of the other and keep steady. It's harder than it sounds, but I'm managing alright so far. Now I'm at my locker, and even though I don't want to open it I refuse to give myself a chance to overthink it.

There are a couple notes waiting for me, just like I thought there would be, but I choose not to read them. Instead I gather them into a crumpled heap and shove them aside, focusing on grabbing my books to get ready for class. It was hard for me at first, alone by myself with no way to talk to Brent—to talk to anybody—but then it just made me mad. I'm sorry for what my dad did to him, but what about what he did to me? Where was Brent then? Where was he after? I've never felt so alone in my whole life, and all I know is the answers I'm looking for aren't in those notes.

When I stuff my books into my backpack I turn to go, grabbing my locker to close it, but it slams shut all on its own as Queen appears with his hand pressed against it.

"What is wrong with you?" He's irate, I've never seen him quite like this. The grimace he wears might actually shock me if I didn't already feel so many other things, but I can't bring myself to care why it's there. He's lucky it'd be a waste of my time to even ask, and I try stepping around him to get away but he only moves to block my path. "I'm talking to you."

"Get out of my face." I could hardly tolerate him before, what makes him think his chances are any better now? Again he's fortunate, because my first impulse had been far more violent, but the quiet resonance of my threat seems to be sufficient as he takes a step back. It's not enough to completely dissuade him, but at least he gets the picture.

"Can you explain to me why Marcus and his buddies decided to jump two of my friends yesterday? Now they're too scared to come to school." Queen fills me in on what I missed, and it clicks immediately. Apparently Brent realizes how stupid coming out would be after all, and he's decided to protect his secret the best way he can. For some reason it just makes me more upset, and it's not because he decided against listening to me.

"Are you surprised after what you did? That's on you, not me." This is the last thing I need to be dealing with, but I'm not without compassion, I never wanted anybody to get hurt. Especially not a couple of kids who had nothing to do with any of this, but I'm not the one who thought blackmailing a jock was a good idea.

"That's your excuse? This is not okay, Jonah!" The response must not have been the one he was looking for, because it just rattles him more. Everybody else already hates me, what does it matter if he does too? "I thought you were one of us, but you're more like them than I ever realized. Well congratulations, I hope you're proud of yourself."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm warning you, you better stay far away from me today." My newfound talent for intimidation seems to be working well, because he winces when I step in close to make another threat. I'd like to think of it as more of a warning though, it's for his own good. This time he doesn't try to stop me as I step around him and start walking, but I'm stupid for thinking it could ever be that easy.