A Servant Lost (Alys Book #1)

Chapter 24

Alys spent several weeks grieving privately. Dastrehan made several attempts to come see her during the first week, but Alys would not open her door. She wanted to be alone.  Not even Esme or Dimia were able to convince her to let them in. The only person Alys let in during the day was her servant, only because she knew she must eat.  She could only bring herself to eat enough food to keep from starving; anything else was left untouched on her plate.

Alys went between fits of hurt, rage, and numbness. She spent her days laying in bed or sitting out on her balcony.  The days seemed to mush together, and she lost track of time.  By the time she finally felt ready to leave her chambers, it had almost been a month since she had lost her baby.

Part of what had helped Alys out of her isolation was that she had come to a realization; this palace where she had lived during her pregnancy was a painful reminder of a crushed future, and it would always been so. There was no going back and fixing the past, and now that she was unable to have another baby, there was no fixing the future. With that realization came a simple answer; she must leave.

She had contemplated leaving in the middle of the night so that she would not have to face the king.  But she knew that she owed him more than to run away and not at least explain herself to him.  He had done too much to help her, and she cared deeply for him. More than she would let herself admit.  She knew that she could not hurt him even more by leaving without an explanation.

When Alys emerged from her door, Rohan was standing guard in the hall.  When he saw Alys, his eyes softened and he nodded his greeting. Alys nodded back, "Rohan. I must speak with the king."

Rohan did not reply, but he moved into place behind her as she started down the hall in search of his study. If Dastrehan was not in his study, then she would start to ask around about his whereabouts.  Eyes of servants, guards, attendants, and other people in the various hallways and rooms she passed looked at her; curious, sympathetic, smug. Alys found herself wishing that she could pull a sheet of fabric over her head and face to shield herself. She did not want their curiosity. Their pity. Their grateful jealousy.

Thankfully, King Dastrehan was in his study when Alys arrived.  One of his guards in the doorway announced Alys' arrival, and Dastrehan looked towards her from where he was seated behind his desk. His surprise at seeing her was written all over his face.

Alys moved in front of his desk and remained standing.

"I have something I'd like to discuss."

Dastrehan did not reply, but he motioned for his guards and Rohan to leave the room. They did so, closing the big wooden doors behind themselves.

Alys observed that Dastrehan looked off. Almost as if he were a different version of the same man he had been before; tired and worn out, a shell of the man he once was.  In fact, he looked miserable.  Alys did not suppose that she looked much better.  She had lost a considerable amount of weight since her delivery, mainly due to not eating her full meals.  Her dress hung on her body as if it had never fit her properly.  Her dark curls were thrown into a lazy braid. Before, she would have been self-conscious.  Now, she felt too numb to care.

"How-" Dastrehan started, then cleared his throat, "How are you doing?"

Alys dropped her eyes to the desk top between them, not wishing to meet his eyes.  She did not want to reply; she assumed that she was doing just as well as he was; poorly.

Instead, she went ahead with why she had come in the first place. If she did not take her chance now, she might lose her resolve and determination.

"That night, when we talked out on my balcony and you said that you would give me anything that I ask for, did you mean it?"

She brought her eyes back up to meet his, immediately regretting it when she saw the pain in his golden eyes.

"Of course."

Alys took a deep breath to steady herself.  She was not sure how he was going to take her request, her demand, but she knew she must make it. Even if it hurt him. 

Even if it hurt her.

"I want to leave." She held his gaze while she spoke the words.  His face stayed serious, but he nodded, "How long will you be gone for?"

Alys felt her heart drop.  He did not understand. He didn't know what was coming.

"No, Dastrehan," Alys shifted from the leg she had her weight on to the other one, "I mean that I want to leave, and live somewhere else. I don't want to come back to Tarkam Palace."

Destrehan's face seemed to fall apart, and he looked down at the papers and scrolls in front of him. He looked confused, or as if he were trying to figure out a troubling puzzle.

For a number of minutes, the room was silent.  All Alys could hear was the sound of their breathing. She watched Dastrehan as his eyes moved over different items on his desk, and he ran one of his hands through his hair.

"There's nothing I can say or do to change your mind?"

Alys sighed and reached forward to put her hand on his own hand resting on the desk, "No."

The king pressed his lips together and nodded. Then he sat back in his chair, pulling his hand from hers and propped his elbow on the side-arm. He rested his face against his fist.  He looked as if his mind was suddenly off somewhere in another land.  Alys was not sure if he was preoccupied with other matters, or if he was trying to fight the urge to refuse her request.

She waited patiently, twisting her fingers together at her chest.

Dastrehan nodded his permission, but he did not speak. Alys knew she should say something before she left; thank you, take care of yourself, anything. But she could not. She just wanted to leave his study and pack up so that she could be out of this place.

She turned and walked to the doors that would liberate her from Dastrehan and his sad eyes.

"I'll have Rohan make sure that you are in a good situation." Dastrehan said to her back as she opened one of the doors. His voice sounded choked.

"You leave this palace as a woman of status. You are not a slave, nor are you a servant."

Alys felt her emotions start to overwhelm her composure. She had to stop herself from turning and running back to him and asking to stay. She paused before she closed the door behind herself and looked back at the king.

He still had his head to the side, his knuckles pressed into his mouth. His jaw was flexed, and Alys knew that he was holding back his emotions, too.

"Good-bye, Dastrehan." She whispered, and pulled the door shut behind herself.