Female Stalker - A Brooklyn Love Story

Chapter 1

I can't believe I have become a stalker. Sitting in a car in front of his gym hoping to see him when he gets out, and curious if he will be alone or with another woman. Perhaps "curious" is the wrong word here. I'm anxious and jealous. I have a feeling he is seeing someone. And if he is, then what?

I don't want to think about what I'm gonna do to him!

If my friends knew that I'm stalking him, what would they say? "Are you crazy Lola? Why are you doing this to yourself? He is not worth it...you should forget him...find someone else."

Maybe I should just leave before he sees me?

No, I can't. When you are rolling off a cliff you just can't stop. I guess you need to feel the bottom. The only problem is - you don't know where that bottom is.

How stupid you are Lola. You are a 30-year-old woman, sitting in a car, crying for a man that doesn't want to see you. You are so stupid Lola, so weak and stupid.

I should have stopped after a first or second unanswered message. But I kept on writing. Who knew these fucking messages have such a power? They take away your soul. They take away your dignity. Fuck those messages!

Ok, stop sobbing Lola. This is your neighborhood. If someone sees you sitting and sobbing in a car, what would they think?

Why have I gone so crazy about him anyway? I didn't even like him when I first saw him. He looks so average. Well, except for his charming smile.

Maybe it is his stubbornness in pursuing me? It was a kind of stubbornness when he remained kind and caring even though I was shrugging him off. When other guys would give up or turn bitter for my coldness, he remained untouched. As if my defenses had no effect on his attitude whatsoever. He would continue chasing after me with the same charming smile, sweet compliments, and caring attitude. What women do in those cases? They give up. So, I gave up.

I want to smoke. Where are my cigarettes? Oh, here they are. First cigarette today.

Ahhhh... So good...

I always get a little lightheaded with the first cigarette. Ahhh... Feels like I'm drunk. Haha...

Now I'm smiling. People would think what a dumbass is sitting in a car alone, smoking and smiling for no reason. It's funny.

And I have barely smoked before I met him.

Oh, shut up Lola, you barely smoke even now. A few cigarettes a day.

I love the feeling after the first few inhales, but later I feel like a trash can. I can't stand that feeling.

I guess now I'm supposed to say that it is all men's fault. Such a cliché. Well, it is their faul-

That's him!

He just came out of the door with some chick walking by his side. They are talking and laughing.

He looked at me, I think he looked at me! Why are they walking in the opposite direction? Is he trying to avoid me like that?

Fuck it, I'm getting out of the car. "Hey, where are you going?! Don't you fucking see me, you fucking moron?!"

They both stop and turn around. He is walking towards me. But before I realize my mistake he says, "Excuse me, are you talking to me?"

Fuck, that's not him! That's not him! How could I get it wrong?

I look around and see that there's a crowd of people who stopped and started watching the scene. I must have been really loud.

"Uh, sorry, I thought you were someone else. I apologize for that."

He smirks, turns around and starts walking back. I hear his girlfriend say to him, "Wow, I wonder who that moron is."

"Poor guy," he replies, as they both laugh.

I'm getting back in the car, hoping the tinted windows will hide me from the unwanted attention. I feel my face turning red.

How could I be so stupid? I hope no one that knows me saw me right now. But I'm ashamed and relieved at the same time. Why relieved? Is it because that was not him with another woman?

Why am I even here? I don't even know for sure if he is at the gym right now. He might have changed his usual schedule.

Here it goes. I'm crying again. Fuck, where are the tissues when you need them?

What has he done to me? Is it some kind of a spell? How could I get so attached to him so soon?

Is this how true love is supposed to feel? Losing yourself in someone, completely? Or is that just the stupid me?

A 30-year-old, but feeling like a teen.

Maybe deep inside I wanted this. I wanted to fall deeply in love. To experience the passion, jealousy, to enjoy a man's presence, to miss him when he is away. The whole package. Maybe I wanted this myself. And then I met him...

I need to fix my makeup.

Look at yourself Lola, have you seen those wrinkles before? No way! Is this a magnifying mirror?

Oh, it's ok, you are still pretty... Beautiful brown eyes, bob haircut. You are a doll, Lola. Should I make my hair blonde? I wonder how he would react to that when he sees me.

Blonde women are said to be more frivolous. Men like that. But brunettes tend to be crazy, jealous bitches like me. And yeah, they can be stalkers too... Hahahaha.

Ahh. Life is grey without love, but when you love...it's a fucking roller coaster.

And I still don't get it. What caused our relationship to go downturn?