To Love or Not To Love

Chapter 61

They sat that way, Arnav Singh Raizada, and Khushi Kumari Gupta, strangers, until six months ago, acknowledging the unknown thread that connected their lives. Their lips didn't move but their eyes conversed. The sound of their breathing constantly interrupted that conversation. The loud patter of raindrops interrupted the sound of breathing.

December rain in New Delhi wasn't unusual. Heavy rainfall accompanied by thunder and lightning was.

Khushi was the first to break contact. Taking her hand away from Arnav, she got up and stood near the french windows that overlooked the sprawling balcony. The raindrops had created abstract patterns on the glass doors. The mist had formed on the inside, giving the glass a frosted look. She traced little hearts on the mist with her index finger. Her thoughts, though, were elsewhere.

During the short time she'd been sitting in Arnav's apartment, she'd come to realize it was a mirror image of the one she'd lived in for the last six months - the one that was meant for his mistresses. She blew hot air over her little hearts erasing them all and started drawing lightning bolts instead.

Flashes of all that had happened in her life since she met Arnav Singh Raizada went through her mind. Her captivity at Sheesh Mahal, Payal's broken marriage, her Babuji's failing business, the demeaning proposal she'd accepted, Arnav's blow hot blow cold behavior, her marriage alliance with Aman, her Babuji's heart attack...she stopped. Her head hurt.

Fat raindrops falling in the balcony were washing away all her pretense. For the first time she saw herself differently. She was a coward. She had never given herself a chance. It had always been easier to sacrifice herself at the altar of gratitude, trade her dreams for those of Shashi's and Garima's. It had made her feel good. It had made her feel important. It had made her feel worthwhile. Today, it made her feel small. Because the truth was that Shashi and Garima had never demanded that sacrifice.

When Shashi and Garima had opened their hearts and lives to Khushi, they had genuinely accepted her as their daughter. But had Khushi reciprocated their feelings in its entirety?

She thought of her past, of pursuing a degree in Law because her parents wished it. She had agreed to become Arnav's mistress to save her Babuji's failing business. And now, after having chased after and claimed her love, she was willing to sacrifice it all because she wasn't sure what the future held? Worse, she had conveniently used her parents as an excuse to justify her actions.

"Khushi," Garima had wept, distraught at finding out that Shashi was paralyzed. "The doctors have said your Babuji cannot do anything on his own. Payal's wedding is less than a month away. With her gone, who will take care of our shop? The shop belonged to your grandfather. It is part of the family. Come back Khushi, come back. The shop needs you. Your Babuji needs you. I need you." 

That's all it had taken, a few drops of tears from her mother, for Khushi to decide she would walk away from the man she had professed her love to, two weeks ago. How easy it had been to convince herself that she was doing the right thing. How false it all had been. She had never stopped to think about how Shashi and Garima would feel if they found out about her sacrifices. Would they be able to live with themselves? Would they not wonder why Khushi hadn't confided in them? Would they not begin to doubt their upbringing, their love for the girl?

Right now, it wasn't so much about them. For the first time, Khushi was focusing on herself. Would she have behaved the same way if Rishi and Hema were still alive? Would she not have shared her deepest fears and her happiest moments with her them? Would she still have single-handedly taken decisions that could have derailed her life?

Heat from her fingers was turning the mist into small water droplets. Her lighting bolts were fast disappearing and ugly fingerprints were beginning to replace the absent-minded drawing on the screened glass.