Collateral Damage

chapter 4

Doubt festered. And at some point, it became impossible to ignore.

'There are too many people. Way too many,' I said, panicking.

Elyse came to stand in front of me. 'Look. Gen, you know them. You know everyone out there. They are not strangers. They love you,' Elyse said so that I would calm the fuck down. Her three-year-old was in her arms and seconds away from ruining her hair.

'Not everyone,' I muttered. Hardly anyone, I thought.

I took deep calming breaths. I was fine. I could do this.

'You ladies ready?' Mason, Elyse's husband asked coming inside the room. Elyse pecked him on the lips and watching that my heart clenched. I was never going to get that. Not after what I was going to do today.

'Yes,' I answered straightening my shoulders. I tried to focus on the brighter side. At least, I got to wear a beautiful wedding dress and walk down the aisle. Instead of lifting up my spirits, it made me feel even more pathetic.

Mason offered me his arm and I took it, shaking my head to clear it.

Elyse gave me last-minute guidance. 'Remember, smile. You've got this,' she said then left with little Mark.

"Now, let's get this show on the road,' Mason said. He wasn't my father, but today what he was doing meant more to me than anything.

I looked him in the eyes and found support and care there. It steeled my resolve. I gave him a firm nod and we were on our way.

Everyone stood up as we walked towards the altar. I kept my face bright and smiling. It became increasingly difficult to keep up the ruse as Noah's eyes fell on me. They shined as if it was what he wanted. As if I was what he wanted. He had the biggest smile on his face that turned into a tender look as I stood in front of him.

'We're gathered here...' the priest started.

As I looked at him looking at me that way I wondered if I'd ever find someone who'd look at me that way again. Only me. And I wished it was him.

Last night after the rehearsal dinner, Noah had left his phone with me and had disappeared. It was going off incessantly and I didn't want to pick it up in case it was from someone important. So, I had gone to look for him. I didn't find him at first, but when I did I wished I hadn't.

He was in the hallway near the back exit of the building. And he was making out with a woman. She was pinned to a wall and his hands were all over her. I had felt like I was going to be sick. I had wondered why I was torturing myself by staying. But I had to see. I had to know who the woman was who had made my man commit infidelity.

A gasp had escaped my lips when I saw her. It was Jill. Jill, who liked to talk, that Jill. The same Jill who had told a riveting tale of two of her co-workers having an affair that night at the club. Little did I know, she was telling her tale. And my fiancé's. Somehow the betrayal had stung twice as bad because it was Jill. It was preposterous though, I didn't know Jill.

But I knew Noah and it was enough to break my heart into tiny shards.

I had believed him when he told me he wouldn't dream of being unfaithful to me. I believed him when he said he would never hurt me. I believed the wrong person.

I left soon after, devastated again because of the same person. This time it wasn't reversible.

"I do.' Noah's voice brought me out of my trance. It would be so easier to say 'I do'. So, easier to marry him even if he went behind my back. We could work it out. I could forgive him.

'Do you take this man to be your wedded husband?' the priest asked.

I stared at Noah as my eyes filled with tears. Till now I was numb. Now, all my feelings were coming over me, threatening to drown me. Suffocate me.

'Gen,' Noah prodded when I didn't say anything for a long time. He was still smiling, but now it was strained. As if he knew what was up. As if he had somehow perceived the change in me.

'No, I don't,' I whispered, a single tear running down my cheek.

Maybe he loved me. But loving me wasn't enough.

A few people who stood near us heard me, their faces showed bewilderment, except for Mason who had a smug look on his face. The people sitting were going restless, wondering what was up. Whispers filled the church hall.

'What?' Noah let out, his eyes wide.

'I do not take you to be my husband,' I said, louder this time. Incredulous gasps filled the room.

The priest looked shocked and very uncomfortable. He looked between us, not knowing where to go from here.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Noah cut him off.

'Gen, what is this?' he asked coming closer to me.

He looked sideways toward the people who had come to attend our wedding, where his parents were sitting on the front wearing similar aghast looks on their faces. I felt an urge to apologize to them. They were good people. Noah's sister, Lisa looked ready to kill me.

Tears were now flowing freely from my eyes.

'Stop this, Gen,' he warned. It wasn't just about our love or the wedding now. It was about his respect in society. His parents' reputation.

'I know, Noah. I know,' I said, choking up on the last word.

All color faded from his face. He stood stock-still as if his whole world had crashed down on him.

'I can't do this. Have a nice life, Noah,' I said my last words to him before I bundled up my gown in my hands and ran down the altar leaving appalled outcries in my wake. It might seem dramatic but my only options were to either run away or let a whole bunch of people see me break down.

A car was parked outside with the back door opened. I slid inside.

Elyse was somehow at the driver's seat which made me wonder when she had left the church. A few seconds later Mason came running. He sat in the passenger's seat and yelled, 'Go, go, go.'

Elyse pressed on the gas and soon we were speeding down the road.

Mark, who sat beside me squealed in delight. For a teeny-tiny moment, I could share his feelings. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me, momentarily making me forget about the wreckage my wedding was.

'Damn, the wedding-goers were not amused,' Mason said, chuckling. He was also feeling the same rush of energy.

'Yeah well, whatcha gonna do,' Elyse clucked her tongue as she barreled the car down the road.

It was the single most exciting thing I'd had ever done in my life after college. And it was at the cost of my wedding.

At that moment in the car, we were four people, me and the only family I had, living in the rush. What would happen when we came down from this high?

Would I be able to emerge again?