The Sky is Everywhere

Chapter Twenty-Five

I don't go back the next day.

Or the next.

I hope that putting distance between us will make it easier, but it doesn't.

I hope that time will blunt the sharp edges of my broken heart, but it doesn't.

If anything, it makes me feel worse.

Without Roan, I am a bird with no wings.

I don't know how to fly.

I am full of jagged pieces.

But every time I think that I should just hear what he has to say, my chest pangs with fresh pain, and my nerves desert me. What if I'm just not strong enough to face him again?

What if I'm not strong enough to ignore him?

I am determined to never feel repulsed by or ashamed of my own scars ever again, but I can't stop thinking about whether they are why Roan approached me. Did he think that someone who looked like me must be so starved of affection, so desperate for anything, that I would be easier to manipulate?

My friends notice my bleak mood, but it's not until night falls on the third day, that Taffy finally pushes my hollow insistence that I'm fine.

"Please talk to me," she says, leaning over the side of her bed and looking at me upside down. Her eyes are all big and worried.

I turn my face away, a single tear escaping. Her words are too similar to Roan's.

Am I making this worse for myself now?

Roan was the one who hurt me, but am I making this so much harder by refusing to even give him a chance? By cutting myself off from my friends? They don't know what's going on, and all I'm doing by pushing them away is hurting them too.

"Do you think it's possible to trust someone again if they've betrayed you?" I blurt out before I can think better of it.

Then I brace myself for impossible questions that I won't be able to answer. I should have kept my mouth shut.

But Taffy just thinks about it for a little bit. "It depends on the betrayal, I suppose."

"If they've lied to you."

"It still depends. Lying isn't one size fits all; context is important."

We're both quiet for a while.

"Are you going to give me the context?" Taffy asks.

I could tell her everything. The words are right there, on the tip of my tongue, but with a huge effort I bite them back. I can't tell her. This isn't just about me and Roan.

It's about Beyond and what they're investigating.

It's about the Trials.

I can't tell Taffy that Roan was using me without telling her why he was, and that's not a good idea. It's not that I don't trust her – of course I do – but knowing too much is dangerous.

If the CC suspected that I'm the one who stole that photo, they would have investigated by now, which I'm assuming they haven't done, or they would have found Boots. So I can safely guess that I'm in the clear. But that might not last.

And even if we pull this off, even if we expose the Trials, we still don't know what the future will hold. I'm not naive enough to think that everything will suddenly fall into place, and the world will welcome us with open arms. Exposing the Trials is probably just the first step in what will almost certainly be a long and difficult fight, and I don't want my friends tangled up in that.