Elm Creek: A Readymade Family, Volume 1

6

SIX

August 1995

The house was quiet when Hâroon let himself in at past one following his return to Elm Creek from prayer—so quiet that he wondered where Lila was; not that he desired her company. In the almost full year since they married, though Lila slept late, she was always up by one, even if that usually meant playing games on the computer bought for his schoolwork or looking at magazines. But he saw no sign of her in the den, where she usually sprawled out on the couch looking at the disgusting magazines he always threw away when he saw them or in the extra bedroom that had been set up as the computer room.

He confirmed that she wasn’t in the house after a glance in the bedroom revealed a rumpled bed that hadn’t been made and a nightgown that had been carelessly discarded on the floor when she’d changed. She’d obviously gone out without telling him—again. He was tired of reminding her to at least tell him when she was going out, and he’d long ago stopped caring as long as she left him alone.

Their marriage was far from the kind of union and relationship Hâroon had dreamed for himself. It was nothing like his parents’ marriage—nothing like any good marriage he’d ever seen or heard of. Lila was thoughtless, merciless, and cruel, taking every opportunity to demean him and crush his self-esteem; and if she wasn’t being a bully, she went out of her way to be a nuisance or inconvenience. He couldn’t figure out why she’d married him in the first place. From the very beginning, she hadn’t acted as if she truly wanted to be with him, but marrying him just because she couldn’t get him any other way and prove she could have anyone she set her eye on seemed far-fetched, even for her.

Even worse than the nature of the relationship of their marriage was the glaring truth that his family had warned him of—that her sudden conversion Islâm may not have been sincere. Before they’d married, he hadn’t been close enough to truly judge her practice of Islâm, and when any doubts or inconsistencies about her sincerity were brought up, he’d clung to the belief that she needed time as a new Muslim. But after living under the same roof with her for so long, he couldn’t help considering that his mother and sister had been right, and he’d been wrong—again.

Lila performed her prayers when and if she felt like doing them. He didn’t bother trying to force her since it only made the situation turn heated and even violent. He hadn’t seen her pick up the translation of the Qur‘ân he’d bought her even once, nor the tafseer books Maryam had gifted her. She was never interested in learning anything new about Allâh or Islâm, and she became quickly agitated and angry when he tried to advise her about anything she was doing that was wrong. Hâroon didn’t feel like he was married to a Muslimah at all, and he feared that her attitude as well as her addictions to all the things he’d always avoided—music, movies, and gossip magazines—would eventually affect his deen, too.

That negative effect had already started on the superogatory deeds that had once been easy. He could barely wake for Tahajjud, had no enthusiasm for the nâfil fasts he’d used to do, and sometimes skipped the sunnah rawâtib prayers as if they were unnecessary. He was finding it harder to resist the draw of music or look away when his eye fell on a picture of a scantily clad woman on one of Lila’s magazines. He’d resisted her to protect his deen and now his marriage to her was destroying it.

If he continued down the path he was already on, he knew, he’d never be able to save himself. His marriage wasn’t worth his deen, especially not a marriage that only made miserable. There was no purpose in keeping a marriage together that had started falling apart from the first day. Lila obviously didn’t truly feel anything for him and the attraction and fondness he’d once felt for her had quickly died once he’d been exposed to her true nature. They didn’t even have children together, so there was no reason to continue the farce their marriage was. He could release her from their marriage and she could return home. He just hoped her family, especially her father and brother who he’d become close to, wouldn’t hold his decision against him. He just couldn’t do it anymore. He was done.