UNEDITED
Between his semi-committed addiction to smoking and his role as CEO of Elemental Coffee, Cassian Russell has spent the majority of his life running one of the most popular coffee shops on the Island with his best friend, Jake Swift. After a...
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Cassian
I have a splitting headache when I wake up the next morning. There's also a kink in my neck from sleeping on the couch with Pen. Speaking of Pen... We're a tangle of limbs and body heat. Her head is pressed against my chest. My arm is threaded behind her back, hand resting on her stomach. It strikes me as odd, then comforting. I have to note the way her body moulds perfectly with mine. She also smells of stale alcohol with a hint of orange blossoms. Her breath is hot through the thin fabric of my shirt.
Then, when I realize just how close we are, I feel a sense of guilt. Fuck. Did we hook up? But when I prop myself up on my elbow, careful not to disturb her, I see she's still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. I glance at my body. So am I. I flop back against the couch, whacking my head against the armrest. A sharp note of pain reverberates through my skull, enhancing the hangover-induced headache. I'm too relieved to curse. I'm amid feeling things out like Jake told me to. Sleeping with Pen would only complicate things. This early in the game, I can't fuck things up. If she's in love with me or has a crush on me—whatever they call it nowadays—love is such an overused word it's lost meaning—then I need to be careful and consistent with my actions and words. It's wrong to lead someone on and not acknowledge their feelings. Emotions are muddling my feelings, but that doesn't mean I'm allowed to hurt Pen.
However, I'm still curious. With my free hand, I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, noting the honey highlights beneath the rays of sunshine, and observe her face. Her lips are pouty and a soft-pink. Makeup smudges the corners of her eyes and the area beneath. If I stare long enough, she has a few freckles across the bridge of her nose. A crease forms between my eyebrows. How have I never noticed those? Feeling bold, I rub the pad of my thumb against her cheekbone, then the bridge of her nose. Her skin is soft and warm.
Shame burns within me. Why was I so insensitive with Penelope? Why did it take Jake and Gemma hinting to make me realize? I should've noticed a month after she joined our team. The effort she's put in for me has been impeccable—and I've asked her to do some pretty difficult tasks. And then there are the small things. Every morning, she'll buy me a coffee and a muffin. She'll support me, offer me advice. Hell, she's even picked me up after getting drunk at the bar with friends..
A small smile spreads across my lips as I remember that night. It was just after Jake and Gemma had left for West Kelowna to review the final details of their wedding. I'd been hanging out with some friends from high school, and I'd lost count of my drinks. When Penelope picked me up, I was gooned. Yet I still remember her telling me she'd put her bra back on for me. And if I'm not mistaken, a woman putting her bra on again is a big deal.
I flick my gaze away from her face, sighing. I'm willing to admit I have strong feelings for Pen. Since the day we met, I've enjoyed her presence. She has a vibe that will instantly draw you in. She's also fun to talk to because she's a no-bullshit type of woman and can relax. But even as I analyze those traits, I realize I'm not giving her enough credit. My words aren't enough to define her personality. Just like Jake, Gemma, and Hanna, Penelope reminds me of home. I can kick back and be myself. She accepts the colour of my skin and the diversity embedded in my genes. Equality shouldn't be something foreign to me. I belong on the same pedestal as white people. But the cold, hard truth is that I'm not. When people see me, an Indigenous man, I'm categorized in their minds alongside the criteria false portrayals of Indigenous Peoples has created. I'm not passive and submissive. I'm not primitive or violent or devious. I believe in the passing down of knowledge, the interconnection of life and our indispensable part in the circle of life. My personality holds humility and tolerance, and I appreciate that my journey in life is for great understanding, wisdom, and contentment with myself and life around me. I have personal strengths and weaknesses, and I act upon my values and judgements I've gained from personal experience. I also have a semi-terrible addiction to anxiety smoking, but that's hardly a trait.
