Since You've Been Gone

chapter 33- better with u

better with you - virginia to vegas

I woke up to the sound of birds singing and Connor's soft touch.

"I didn't mean to wake you," he whispered as he brushed the loose strands of my hair away from my face.

"It's okay."

Connor seemed more relaxed than hours prior, but every time he turned his head, I could see the faint lines where his tears had run down his face. I felt so bad. Like somehow, I had failed him as his best friend because I hadn't seen the way Connor stuffed down his feelings.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing." I shook my head.

"Hope..." Connor pleaded.

"I'm just glad you're feeling better."

Connor's eyes darkened, and his brows furrowed together momentarily before he bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Why?"

"It was supposed to be about you. I was supposed to make you feel better."

"I felt better just being with you, C. And as your best friend, you should be able to rant or cry or do whatever you need to do whenever you want. You shouldn't bottle it all up." I assured him.

"So why do you bottle it up, huh?"

"What?"

"You never want to talk about how you feel. How much what Jack did messed you up, or how incredibly scared you are to be a mom."

"Then how do you know all that?" Connor's smug smile turned to one of sympathy and a little bit of pity.

"Because I can read you like a book H. You might be able to lie to everyone else, but you can't lie to me."

As much as I hated to admit it, Connor was right. I hated talking about my emotions. Having a heart to heart conversations with people really was not my forte. Even talking to Connor about some things made butterflies fly around in my stomach and my anxiousness to rise.

Connor seemed to sense my uneasiness and dropped the conversation. Instead, we sat in silence and listened to the birds sing their morning songs and the sunrise over the field.

The truth was, my mind had been constantly racing lately. My thoughts were always crowded, and even if I was sitting in silence by myself, it still felt... loud. It was like no matter how hard I tried to shut off my thoughts, it didn't work.

"I'm scared."

"Huh?"

"I'm scared." I turned in Connor's arms and gnawed on my bottom lip. "Becoming more and more pregnant every day scares me. Being a mom in what? Five months? That absolutely scares me shitless."

"H..."

"No, you don't get it C. Like this is going to be my kid." I was flustered, and my heart was pounding at the mere thought of giving birth. "This isn't some kid I'm babysitting and can give back to their parents in a couple of hours. I am their parent."

Connor's warm palms holding my hips were one of the only things keeping me grounded. Without me sitting here wrapped in his arms, I was afraid that the anxiety building up inside of me was going to sweep me away.

"You have every right to be scared, Hope. But you also have to remember your options." His thumb was rubbing circles on my hip as he spoke, and it helped me calm back down. "Putting the baby up for adoption is a very real solution. You could have an open adoption and maybe-"

"I-I don't think I could, Connor." I began to chew on my lip again, but Connor brought his hand up and gently pulled it away from my teeth's grasp.

"So, you want to keep the baby?" He asked gently.

"I think so."

"It'll be hard, but I think you'll be a great mom, H."

"What about college? How can I go to school and raise a baby?"

"You applied to Tryoven's, right?"

Troyven's Creek University was a college about an hour and a half away from my hometown. It's where both of my parents had gone, and Tobias and Raeanna had been accepted although, they ultimately decided to go to other places.

Growing up, Troyven's Creek had been the school. As a family we spent, countless weekends down there, watching football games and just walking around campus. It had been ingrained in my head since early childhood that I had to apply there.

So, in the midst of this crazy summer, Layla and I had buckled down and spent hours crafting the perfect college application. In all of my 17 years on this earth, I never expected so much to go into an application. Like why did it matter what my favorite restaurant was? Or what my ideal playlist would be?

"Yeah, I turned in my application in August."

"Well, considering you're a legacy student, I'm almost positive you'll get. And their campus isn't that far from here, so if you needed to come home on the weekends or needed someone to help watch the baby for some reason, you could."

"I'm really going to be a single mom, C," I whispered. Never in my life did I think I would be giving birth to a baby and not be at least dating their father.

"Technically," Connor sighed. "Yeah, you will be. But you've got Layla and her parents, and your parents and siblings. Not to mention me. You won't be going through this by yourself H, I wouldn't let you."

Connor's expression was unbelievably genuine, and his deep blue eyes shone with honesty and love. The way he cared about the people around him, was one of the reason's that I loved Connor. Wait... did I love Connor?

For as long as I could remember, I had loved Connor. But other than the brief few weeks before he moved, I had never loved Connor.

In all of our years of being best friends I had never noticed the darker spottier freckles that were mixed in with the dainty ones across his nose. Or the way the left side of his mouth turned up before the right side when he smiled.

When I was dating Jack, everything felt... rushed. He had put me back together piece by piece, and that made him almighty in my mind. He fixed me. Yet, looking back, now I can see all the flaws in our relationship. The way he exploded and shouted at me sometimes or how he was the "more important" one when it came to sex. Nothing felt right. It sure as hell didn't feel like it does with Connor.

Holy shit. Was I falling in love with my best friend?

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hi loves ! sorrry for the slow update :( there was a covid scare in my family and then with all of the capitol drama on wednesday, i've been a little distracted lately. i hope you're all staying safe!