Loving Kinnick

Warren Broke Something In Her I Don't Think Will Ever Be Fixed

Lights flashed through the bedroom. My eyes shot open to see lightning creating shadows on my walls. The rain pounding down on the windows soothed me as the thunder clapped through the apartment. I would have fallen back asleep, but I realized the girl that was on my side earlier was now gone.

Within seconds, I was on my feet looking for her. I stopped at the bathroom first but knew the second I didn't see any light underneath the door she wasn't in there. I hurried into the living room, nearly slipping on the hardwood floor as I slid past the corridor, and then I saw her. Lying on the couch.

Her body trembled. I could see the goosebumps from where I stood. The thunder shaking the loft woke her up, and she started screaming. I hurried to her side, dropping to my knees. Sweat beaded down her forehead. Ragged breaths left her lips as she stared at me with fear in her eyes.

I wanted to ask her what was wrong. It wasn't that I didn't know how to form the words because I did. I knew she wasn't going to answer me, so I thought it was pointless to ask. My body slumped against her in defeat because I couldn't do anything for her.

"Bo," I laid my head in her lap.

"It's the storm," her raspy voice cracked. "I'm sorry."

She didn't find it hard to lie to me. It tore me apart to ever think about lying to her. She was keeping things from me that were a crucial part of her mental health, and it worried me. My heart broke for her. All I wanted was to be there for her. She wouldn't let me.

"Why are you out on the couch?"

"I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to wake you."

"Bo," I winced. "If you need something, wake me up. I don't care what for or what the reason is."

She allowed me to cradle her in my arms long enough to take her to the bedroom. Somewhere in between lifting her, and arriving at the bedroom, she fell asleep. I laid her down on the bed and brought the comforter to her chin. I couldn't climb in next to her.

Her ability to fall back asleep so quickly made me wonder how long she had been dealing with these nightmares. I knew she was taking medication, and I wondered if she brought it with her. I didn't see it in any of her bags as I searched for shaving cream the night before.

I didn't think her problem was falling asleep - I think it was what happened when she fell asleep that worried her. I think the scenes her mind created when she closed her eyes were why she lost sleep. I couldn't begin to think what it was like to see a parent die. It worried me to think those were the only flashbacks her mind played throughout the day. It worried me because I remember doing anything I could to stop the flashbacks of my dad beating me.

So I did what I did last night, I drank a whole pot of coffee and managed to stay awake. When she came around the corner with bags under her eyes, I told her good morning. I proceeded to act as though nothing happened last night as she did. I made her a cup of coffee and watched as she got ready for school.

"Ready to go?"

She laid her hand on my chest as she pushed onto her tippytoes to kiss me. "Of course."

"Do you want a blueberry muffin?"

She nodded eagerly as I drove through the drive-thru. Her greedy hands snatched the bag from my hand. She was quick to grab one but she handed the first one to me. Then proceeded to grab the last one for herself. I watched her chow down the muffin. My windshield wipers were on high as I pulled into the parking lot. The rain was ruthless today.

"Are you ready for this?" I looked at her.

She looked back and forth, from the rain to me. "I guess."