A Life Wasted

Regrets

I believe we are fundamentally the same person throughout our lives. We change in how we respond to situations, change how we interact with others, and change in how we see things. But all of those changes are based on the same basic framework of our personality. Much of what people consider change is the progression of maturity. Most people mellow as they age. I know I have. I've aged well on an emotional level. I can still get angry, but I am slow to do so. I used to believe I was right and everyone else needed to agree. I no longer see things in the same black and white. I've begun to understand the nuances of the gray scale. People are different, and everyone sees the same thing through a different lens of experience and expectations. Learning and applying this simple concept has made me a better person. A more content person. I'm not the man I want to be, but I am far from the man I used to be.

At some point in our lives, all of us want to go back in time and do things over. Impossible as this is, it is my fantasy. Oh, if I could go back in time. I'd restart my life on May 13, 1977. I would start at the point where the preacher told me, "You can kiss your bride." That would be my restarting point. I've fantasized in great detail about how I would do things differently. Most of those details revolve around Mary being the center of my world. She would know that she was the queen of my life. I would put her first. I would never disappoint her. And I would live up to the one thing she asked of me, I would make it home to her bed every night.

Because of my rebellious personality, it would be a struggle for me, but I would never break the law. I've always understood the value of hard work, but I've never understood the value of consistency. Sixteen years in prison teaches this lesson well, so I would apply that lesson to my fantasy restart.

I would not be tempted to "go to war with the abortion industry." I wouldn't be tempted because I now understand how wrong I was to frighten all of those people. I still believe abortion is a human travesty that society should not sanction. In my do over I would work to pass a law that extended Fourteenth Amendment protection to a child in the mother's womb. For many years now, I have believed that I could've done more to protect pre-born babies had I stayed within the law. Whatever positive thing I might have accomplished in my flash of criminal activity, it's all history now. Had I worked towards this cause legally then I would still be working towards that goal.

Of course, there are no do over's in life, so I can't go back. I choose to not allow my past to destroy me. I choose to do all that I can right now. This means doing what little things I can to be a husband to my poor wife and a father to my adult children. The sad reality is that there is little that I can do. The one thing I have been able to do is to make sure they all know the truth of who I am. I hope this autobiography has helped them understand me, even if it is in some small way.