if one of them is dead.

chapter thirty-six.

Lilith.

"So we're talking again?" I ask as Mattheo locks the door behind him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asks me angrily, glaring at me as he walks over to his desk to rifle through some papers. "Why the hell are you talking to them of all people?"

"What?" I ask, leaning up against his bed frame while crossing my arms. "Would you rather me talk to Cassius Warrington?" He stiffens slightly. "Or would you rather me talk to your father?"

He stops completely and turns his head to look at me, glaring harsher.

I shrug. "I'm just saying, Mattheo. There are worse people I could be talking to. And I don't see what the big deal is."

"You're a death eater now, Lilith," Mattheo snaps. "You can't associate with them. They're your enemy now. You knew this when you took up the job offer."

He turns back to his desk and starts rifling through the papers again. What the hell is he looking for?

"Oh, so you were mad at me five minutes ago for being a death eater, and now you're fine with that but not with me talking to some people that are harmless?"

He drops the things he holding and turns completely to face me, taking a few steps towards me. "Oh, I'm still pissed about that. You're testing the waters without knowing how to swim. And you're going to drown."

"Oh, we're using metaphors now." I nod. "Wonderful. What kind of metaphor do you want me to say something about how you make no sense?"

"Don't play that card on me, Lilith," he says, shaking his head slightly. "Not when you did everything you did."

"I told you, I have my reasons for doing that— And you can hate me all you want, Mattheo. I get it, and I don't blame you for that. I won't ever blame you for that. I know you hate me for it, I know that."

He shakes his head, taking another few steps towards me. I look up at him because of how close he is, and no matter how much I love him, I really want to smack him right now.

"I could never hate you," he whispers, his brows furrowing. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I follow his movements with my eyes. "I hate myself for it, but I never could."

"Yet you act as if you do."

"Of course I do. Otherwise I would fold, and I really don't want to."

He keeps his eyes trained on mine for a moment longer before he steps away and starts towards his bathroom. The light turns on and he grabs a towel.

"Your welcome to stay here tonight, if you want," he says, sighing briefly as he tosses the towel in front of his shower. "You always are, I hope you know that."

"You're just saying that," I say loudly. I know that's what he's doing, I'm not stupid. "You're still pissed at me, but you talked to Blaise and Draco." He looks at me weirdly as he peaks out the bathroom door. "They told me and Pansy before we went to the library."

"If you're not going to stay here, you should probably leave," he says, nodding to the door. "We both know you won't stay around to shower with me."

I scoff. Is he being serious? Just a minute ago he was back to being caring and sweet. Now he's back to being cold and rude, as if we had just met a month ago. Funnily enough, it seems like we have. We don't know each other as well as we used to, when we started dating. I guess I should have savored that little bit of time that he went back to that.

"Yeah, I'll stay with Pansy tonight," I say. "At least I know I'm more welcome there than I'll ever be here, no matter how much you say you don't hate me right now." I start towards the door and open it. "And, Mattheo, when you decide that you can at least try to understand why I did it, maybe I might be more open to showering. But, until then, you won't be seeing much of me. You know, considering there's a lot more about it that you don't understand."

Without another word, or another look at him, I leave.

☯︎︎

"He didn't," Blaise says, shaking his head from his spot next to me on the couch.

"He did!" Pansy exclaims from across from me. "I almost smacked him. I mean, I would have, but Flitwick was there."

I don't even remember what Pansy was telling us. All I know is that it was about a boy who was being a sexist dickhead that was bad in bed. I'm not paying attention. I couldn't if I tried.

Draco seemed to be pretty pissed about it, but now he's trying to stifle a laugh.

I have my elbow on the arm of the couch with my chin rested on my hand. The fire is cracking, and I'm not paying any attention to that either, yet here I am, staring at it.

"Lil?" Blaise asks, nudging my shoulder. I don't respond.

"Hey, Lil, what is going on with you?" Pansy asks after I don't respond for a minute. "You've been acting weird since Mattheo took you from the library."

Draco sighs and rolls his eyes. "What did he say to you?"

"Did he say something to you?" Blaise asks. "If he said something to you, I swear—"

"I'm fine," I mumble.

I don't glance over at the stairs, I already know that Mattheo is walking in the common room. I can see him lean up against the wall he used to at the beginning of fifth year.

"Look, you're both acting weird," Blaise says. "You act like someone just killed your dog, and Mattheo is acting like you just left again and he needs a smoke."

I shrug.

"You guys didn't break up, did you?" Pansy asks me quietly.

"Not that I know of," I say and finally glance over at her. "But it's as good as." They all raise their brows at me. "We just got in a fight is all. It's not a big deal."

"Wait," Draco shakes his head, "about what?"

I shrug. "Pansy and I were talking to Potter, Weasley, and Granger. He was mad about it and we got into a fight. Like I said, it's not a big deal."

"But it is," Pansy says. "You two need to figure this shit out. I'm tired of it. You took too long to jump each other's bones, and now you're back to square one."

"Oh my God, Pansy," the three of us all say at the same time, looking at her.

"What?" she asks defensively. "Mattheo!" she says loudly, turning to him.

"Pansy, no—"

"Come over here!"

Mattheo glances over at us and shakes his head. "I'm fine here, Pansy," he says, turning back to look out the window to the Black Lake.

"Leave it, Pansy," I warn, looking over at her. "You can't fix it, so don't try."

"Lil, we care about the two of you," she says.

I nod and stand up. "Yeah, well, then just leave it. It'll just make things worse than it already is. There's nothing you can do. Seriously, leave it."

I start to walk out of the common room, grabbing my bag on the way. I put it on my shoulder and start into the corridor. Maybe the astronomy tower will lighten my mood a little.