The Silent Deceivers

Chapter 24

Two Letters?

I managed to make it through the meal and get back to the comfort of my room without breaking down. When I arrived I changed back into my leggings and Nirvana band t-shirt and sunk onto my bed. I clicked the main light off but kept the glow of my fairy lights that glistened around the edge of my window. Outside in the middle of the midnight blue sky the moon was gleaming brightly, his smiling face was looking straight through my window at me. I thought back to when my parents went away when I was little and I stayed at home with Jenny our old nice, baby sitter. I used to sit on my windowsill and stare at the half the moon with half a face and whenever Jenny used to come and tuck me back into bed, I would tell her that my parents were looking at the other half of the moon from wherever they were. It seems stupid now because I know there is only one moon and if they were in Australia then it would midday with blazing hot sun but back then it was part of the perfect world I knew. A world that’s not so perfect anymore.

I flicked the switch and my fairy lights went out. As my room plunged to darkness I sat there and watched as the stars glistened around the moon. I rested my head back on the wall and tucked my knees into my chest. As I sat there, eyes glazed, my mind began to conjure up the thoughts that occurred most nights, and I started overthinking. I started to think about every bad thing I had ever done, every mistake I had ever made; I over analysed the fact that Roxy had left when I opened up to her.  She hated me. I was a horrible person.  I was worthless. I didn’t deserve her friendship.  It was the same routine. It was a cyclical process.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I drowned in self-hatred. Trying to distract myself I began counting the stars in the sky. I reached two hundred and seventy six before I was breathing normally and not blinded by tears. I swung my legs round and pulled myself up grabbing hold of the windowsill to steady myself. Walking over to my desk I unscrewed the lid of my water bottle and downed it in one. Spluttering and coughing I dropped the bottle onto the floor. Just like every time before I wiped my mouth on the back of my sleeve and then climbed back into bed and hid underneath mu duvet. I still didn’t scum to sleep and I still didn’t allow myself to relax, I don’t think I knew how to relax. I sat there still as stone, staring at the pattern on my duvet cover.

I was only lifted from my daze when Roxy came in. Claiming she couldn’t sleep, she came in just after midnight had chimed from the hallway clock. The echo’s that often comforted me through the night when sleep was never going to take me away. She stumbled through my moonlit room and came to a collected pose at the end of my bed.

“I’ve been thinking”, she said plonking herself down on my bed. “Why would David write you two letters?” 

Bitch, go away!

“I don’t know.”

Not in the mood.

“Can I read them?”

Why?

“Um, sure?”

Why would you want to do that? Why do you even care?