Iris

18 | breathe

     FAINT CHATTERS accompanied the laughter emitted by the large and small groups of people who were scattered all over the place, the loud sobs of infants, as well as the deafening shrieks of the younger children, acting as background noises to them; adding to their power and helping them get louder. Providing them with the ability to engulf my heart within their loudness and to drag it into the depths of fear and anxiousness.

The deafening sounds resonated across the heavy air and echoed throughout the entire shopping mall, seemingly bouncing off each and every corner of its high walls and returning back to my ears, lashing out at my mind from all directions and blending into a single ringing noise all at once as soon as they sank into it; a too loud and deafening one, completely contrasting with the silence that had taken over at Elliott's car, only a few minutes earlier.

I swallowed harshly, disregarding the wall of suffocation that had started to encase my constricting chest, the bricks it had been built from thick and heavy, occupying my entire chest and piercing into my lungs. Weighing so heavily on top of them and squeezing them so tightly until they were completely drained of the oxygen they needed in order to function.

The pain only intensified further as I inhaled sharply. Over and over again. As I attempted to grasp onto the oxygen I was so desperate for and to slow down the rapid beats that did nothing but paining my chest and burdening my body.

My heart pounded wildly against my ribcage, its loud thuds muffled along with my lungs' pleas for air and along with the other noises surrounding me. They rapidly filled my ears and sank into my mind, awakening the blurred memory I had once buried away from its reach—somewhere at the back of it—and pulling it back to the surface. Reminding me of the news I had stumbled upon the last time I had gone to such a crowded place along with my fosters, around a month or two prior to the accident.

Reminding me of the dreadful events that had taken place after my fosters had learned the bitter reality; after they had realised that the world could be cruel to anyone. That it wouldn't show any mercy at all when deciding to be cruel, not even to the person who had been impacted by its cruelty—who had been punished until their surroundings perished and crumbled. Their tears dissolving into blood and their heart aching so badly.

That person was no longer me. I told myself sternly as I quickened my pace, letting my feet carry me as fast as possible across the polished tiles that shone beneath my figure and reflected a fragment of the lights that illuminated the entire mall.

I perhaps only needed an escape from the dark memories. From my past. Or I perhaps only wanted to enjoy a day along with my brothers without feeling like I had gotten trapped within the room of suffocation; the one composed of the transparent glass that had always allowed me to see past its dullness—to gaze clearly at my surroundings—all while blocking the reality out of my reach. Pulling me back into the chaos I had once believed I'd escape.

I had no idea on what I wanted or needed. And I had no idea on the route that would lead me to fulfilling either of them. Or even the one that would lead me to an escape from the prison that held me from moving on. Tethered my mind to the memories it dreaded. And stopped me from living the way I had always dreamed to do.