Parted Entanglement { ③ }

Chapter 3

Chuuya convinced himself to decide not to tell Dazai anything, but he couldn't help but dwell in the dilemma of whether to confess or not. As days passed, as Dazai continued to treat him like he used to, the guilt in him grew, nibbling on his soul. Every single time he tried to bring himself to talk, he couldn't. He just couldn't.

He was afraid of the consequences. He was afraid of what might happen between them. He was afraid of losing what they have between them. He was way too afraid to lose him. These few days, he needed more time to fall asleep because his mind was too active thinking about this.

Sitting by his side, Dazai was reading his suicide manual. He looked down at Chuuya, whose eyes were closed trying to fall asleep beside him. Dazai adjusted the blanket for him. Then Chuuya opened his eyes and gazed up at him, he held the brunet's hand tight before closing his eyes again.

Dazai knew something was off, something must've happened during his time at Hiroshima. These few days, Chuuya didn't retort nor hit him like he always did. Dazai was getting worried, but he didn't ask, because if Chuuya had wanted to talk about it, he would already have. So what he did was try his best for Chuuya to get comfy.

Are you okay ?

*

''Is there anything you wanna tell me ?'' Dazai stood in the kitchen and stared at Chuuya, whom had just taken a bath after their mission. Chuuya could feel his heart skip a beat. ''... what ?'' Chuuya was in total panic. He didn't know how to react, nor what to say. ''I said, do you, have anything, to tell me ,'' Dazai repeated his question. ''Da--Dazai listen to me I can-- I can explain ,''

''There's nothing to explain ,'' Dazai turned his back towards Chuuya. Chuuya froze at his words, his heart pounded really quickly. All the consequences in his head, he would rather die than to face them. He really couldn't afford losing him. But... maybe the moment he had made that mistake, he had already lost him.

His voice trembled as he finally spoke. ''Dazai ple--'' ''You know I really liked this mug !'' Dazai turned back around with a broken mummy-shaped mug in his hand. He was pouting like a child who found his favourite toy broken.

Oh thank god.

Chuuya felt so relieved, all the pressure he felt a second ago disappeared in an instant. ''Uh yeah I accidentally broke it last night when I came out for water, sorry ,'' Then something grew inside Chuuya. ''I'm sorry ,'' He repeated, his eyes started to fill with sadness and guilt. ''I'm sorry ,'' He repeated again, he looked down to the floor. ''I'm sorry !'' His hands tightened into fists as his breath trembled. Dazai was worried and confused at the same time.

Heh ??!

He put down the mug and rushed towards Chuuya to pull him in for a hug. ''Hey hey it's fine I was juz kidding! I'm not mad, silly ,'' He caressed the back of Chuuya's head. Chuuya buried his head in Dazai's chest and hugged him back tightly. He didn't want to let go, he didn't want to lose him. Dazai cared for him, he loved him so much and he did love him as much too. But what he did, what he did would hurt his brunet, and he didn't want that to happen.

He was feeling a lot. He felt relieved because Dazai hadn't find out, he felt happy because he was lucky to have someone who loved him so much. But at the same time, he felt guilty because Dazai didn't know what he did, he felt like he didn't deserve to be treated like this, he deserved worse. And he felt angry, angry at himself for doing something like that.

A part of him wanted to just confess and get what he deserved, but another part of him didn't dare. He was struggling inside, he wanted to just cry it out, but he didn't.

Dazai pulled away and looked down at him. ''You okay? It's fine I can juz get another one it's no big deal, really ,'' Of course he knew it was too sentimental to feel so much over a broken mug even for Chuuya, it wasn't even Chuuya's to begin with.

What exactly happened in Hiroshima ?

''Come on, it's late ,'' He led Chuuya to the bedroom and tucked him in. Dazai too was feeling sleepy, so he lied beside Chuuya, facing each other. Pretty quickly, Dazai fell asleep holding Chuuya's hand in his, but Chuuya was still awake. He stared at the brunet, he looked peaceful in his slumber. Then he slowly slipped his hand out of Dazai's. It didn't feel right, it just didn't. He gently caressed the brunet's face with the back of his fingers.

If you ever find out, will you forgive me ?

Then he chuckled bitterly under his breath.

Forgive? Do I even deserve to be forgiven ?

*

''Dazai ?'' Oda walked down the stairs and saw the brunet. ''You're early today ,'' Dazai turned to him. ''Well if I wasn't this early I wouldn't know just how early you usually arrive ,'' He turned back to his drink. ''I'm leaving early today ,''

Oda sat down. ''Why ?'' The brunet took a sip of his drink. ''Chuuya's been acting weird these days, he got emotional over something really minor last night. I think something happened during his time in Hiroshima ,'' Oda frowned as he nodded. He could see worry in him even only looking at his side. ''So you wanna go home early to stay by his side ?'' Dazai didn't respond. ''You could've just called and sit this one out ,'' Then the brunet smiled and shook his head. ''It's fine, he won't be back this early ,''

Oda thought for a while. ''Do you want me to look into this ?'' Dazai turned to look at him.

*

Once Dazai closed the apartment door, Chuuya came out of nowhere and stood before him. ''Oh hey, Chibi ,'' He stretched out his hand to reach to Chuuya, but Chuuya backed away, avoiding him. Then the ginger head mumbled. ''Good... good night ,'' Dazai was puzzled.

Another odd reaction.

''... okay... good night ,'' Then Chuuya went into the bedroom. He felt conflicted. He wanted things to be normal, and they could be. But a part of him felt uneasy when being with Dazai. It was like the guilt inside him told him that he didn't deserve anything like that, so sometimes he would avoid him, whereas at other times he would suddenly hug his brunet for no reason.

It was definitely too early for Chuuya to go to bed. It felt like he's been avoiding him. After bath, Dazai quietly opened the door to the bedroom. Chuuya was already asleep. He didn't want to interrupt his slumber, so Dazai closed the door and went to lay on the couch.

A couple of days later, Dazai had already gone off to work when Chuuya woke up. He left a note saying that he would only be back after lunchtime, so Chuuya went out for lunch alone. After meal, he sat there and scrolled through his phone. Then he came across the news section. It was a murder case, the victim was shot to death, a bullet through his skull in a dark alley. Then when he looked at the victim's profile, his eyes widened.

Hi--Hiko ?!