Nutella Jar, Dewdrops and Sandy Beaches

Me vs. The World

This world is a rather strange place. It feels like I belong here yet it doesn't feel like home. As our final abode is either Jannah or Hellfire forever, I often wonder what will I reminisce about living on Earth, about living amongst people in the earthly human form.

The first thing that comes to mind is always being in a combative state. No matter where I go and what I do, I have always felt attacked by people resulting in me being always calculative of my next move. Either they hate my voice, my opinion, my realism or they hate the physical presence of me. Whenever sitting in a room full of people I have always felt like some of them don't want me there and majority of them don't want me to speak. If one would look at there faces, they would seem like normal people but for me it's different. Over time I have become an expert in reading people; I can guess their personality type quickly and I can tell if they hate me or not within a few sentences they speak. My early judgements have been proven true approximately 99% of the times. 

Once at school, everyone was given a nickname that would be attached to their real name written on colour paper and then stuck on the class notice board. One polite girl nicknamed me 'Miss Friendly'. The next day, a girl from another class was visiting our class to check out the nicknames. Just guess which one and only nickname she had a problem with. Mine. "No, she isn't friendly. I have never seen her be friendly", she said. I knew there and then that this not just about a nickname, I understood that this person can't tolerate my existence. I was right. This person later showed through their actions that she just disliked me.

Since then and even way before, I had been used to being not wanted but in the past several years I have met more and more people who push me further into that combative state. I have felt it so many times and I feel like I go through long periods of time remaining in that state.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not someone who people want around or people can tolerate. For some time period, I had the confidence that if I voice my opinion loud enough people will pay respect and appreciate my words. But as more time has passed, I have learned that I am not someone generally liked by others. Rather I am someone generally disliked. Therefore, the louder I voice my opinion, the more I am disliked. The more I become part of their conversation, the more they want to push me out of their conversation. The more I am me, the more they want me gone.

There are also such day to day dealings that I have encountered where the other person just wanted me gone. Be it at a shop as a customer or be it at the hospital as a patient. Be it a family gathering or be it a professional setting. The moment I walk into any such interaction I can already feel that the other party just wants me gone.

And thus, my personality has changed a lot over a few years. I have left all such gatherings, infact most groups and gatherings where people disliked me for existing. I have cut all such ties.

What am I left with after that? Just myself. It is me vs. the world now. Whenever I walk out and about I'm in a combative state. Most of the times I have my fists clenched tightly as I gradually go into defensive mode. Is it normal to live like this? I don't know. Living in this world, surrounded by more and more people who hold pure disliked/hatred towards me does have an effect on me.

My friend TheTemporaryWayfarer knows about this somewhat. There are several times when we are having a conversation and I get defensive about myself. Then she has to clarify that she did not mean to attack me and that she just wanted to say something. Sometimes I wanna find out what it's like to deal with someone like me. It's a very difficult psychological factor to deal with.

Btw, I am sure some of you who are reading this are also from the group of people who dislike how I have the guts to speak out my opinion about such a matter. There is no particular name I want to point out but I just know.

Of course there's also a group of people who like me, but I feel no genuinity. Most of that likeness is channelled through sympathy and pity and not pure love. But this is one thing that's hard for me tell, as I don't recongize love easily. I try but it gets cloudy and I remain confused.

I don't know if I will ever be able to look past the dislike and negative energy to focus on love and appreciation as I find it really hard to do. I don't know if I will ever be able to differentiate pity, sympathy from true form of love.

To those who dislike my presence in this world, I would like to say this world will soon end and so will all pain and hatred with it. This just means what a waste of life they have had.