Behind The Limelight

36: How To Shut Someone Up

"What?" Ashton snapped, his eyes widening at Ryker's words.

"Yes," was all Ryker said.

"You're crazy..." Ashton whispered.

"Yes," Ryker continued. "For you."

"No. You're just crazy. Period." Ashton was looking at the other man as if he had suddenly grown two heads. "Are you saying you have...feelings for me? Like romantic feelings?"

"I might be crazy but you're stupid," Ryker muttered. "Yes, Ash, that's what being head over heels for someone typically means."

"Don't be an asshole when you're confessing your undying love for me!" Ashton exclaimed with a light huff, making Ryker grin. "How can you? I mean, how is this possible? Since when?"

"Remember that time I was at your house for the weekend—"

"That was all the time—"

"Just shut up and listen, dickhead," Ryker cut him off. "You had to go with your parents to Italy but you faked being sick because you wanted to spend the weekend with me instead. And I had my exams soon so all I did was study and you just sat most of the time watching me or doing your own thing."

"I remember that," Ashton recalled.

"You didn't go to Milan and sat at home wasting time and when I asked you why...when I asked you why you said you would rather sit and do nothing with me than be with anybody else," Ryker said with a soft smile. "That was the moment I knew. If I had to make that choice then I would've done the same and that was how I knew that I fucking loved you."

"Love?" Ashton's voice was barely audible.

"Yes, Ash. Love," Ryker repeated, firmly.

"But— how— I mean—" Ashton stumbled on his words, not knowing what to say to his fellow actor. "That was what? When we were fifteen? Sixteen? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I was confused. And scared. It was a different time and I was having trouble dealing with the fact that I liked you, a man, and on top of that a man that was my best friend," Ryker explained. "The last thing I wanted was to confess and push you away. I would rather have you as a friend than have you hate me."

"Ryker," Ashton pressed his lips in a thin line as he spoke. "I never would've hated you for that."

"But you ended up hating me anyway, so I guess maybe I should've confessed after all," Ryker said, a painful smile on his face. Ashton couldn't help but mirror the sadness. He couldn't imagine having to keep your feelings hidden for so long. What a terrible burden.

"By the time I came to terms with my sexuality and my feelings for you, shit had already gone downhill. I never got the chance to be upfront with you," Ryker paused, looking down. "When I left acting to go to Asia, I wasn't planning on coming back."

"Why did you?" Ashton questioned, frowning.

"I tried to forget you. I tried to forget about us but I couldn't, no matter how many efforts I made," Ryker sighed. "I just couldn't get you out of my head, let alone my heart. I knew I had to make things right with you. That was why I came back. For you."

"Is that why you took up this role? For me?" Ashton asked, making Ryker nod.

"You wouldn't catch me dead working in a rom-com otherwise," Ryker answered with a bitter chuckle. "I heard that you were auditioning and that it had two male leads so...I saw the opportunity and I took it."

"Wow," Ashton had nothing else to say. He was left speechless.

"I know I've hurt you a lot, it might sound stupid and I don't want to make excuses for my actions, I take full responsibility for them but please believe me when I say that I never intended to cause you any pain," Ryker's voice held a certain vulnerability that Ashton couldn't dismiss. "That's the thing I dread the most."