A Place For My Depression

"...I hate myself..."

      I feel like a little girl that's trapped in a void,
   
     Full with nothing but darkness, pitch black darkness,

     No one to call, no one to hear me as I scream as loud as I can,

     But no one heard me it's just me and the the darkness,

     And it hurts it hurts a lot it hurts so much,

      But what hurts more is that I don't wanna leave this void,

      Because it's part of me now,

     It's all I have, I'm now use to the nothingness, emptiness and sadness,

     I don't want it to go,

    I don't know how to stay without it,

    And it's killing me but I don't want to be saved,

     Am in so much pain but I don't know how to stop feeling this way,

    I hate myself so much, I hate looking at myself,

     I body shame myself telling me that am ugly that no one would ever love me,

    I won't make it, that I can't do anything right,

      The easiest part of my day is  falling asleep at night,

     But the hardest is waking up in the morning,

     Not because I can't but because I don't want to live another day with pain in my heart and suscide ringing in my head.

     I don't want to stay here anymore am so tired,

    I create different scenarios in my head and in this scenarios I either extremely happy or extremely sad,

     Happy because I imagine how nice it would be to have the things and life I want,

    And sad because I also imagine how and why those things would be taken from me in a blink of an eye,

    And am left all alone again fighting death from my own self,

   But I know I won't fight for long,

   Because I know sooner or later it's gonna win,

    And I might just do it one day by drowning or stabing myself or slitting my wrist,

    I don't know but what I know is am gonna be gone sooner or later,

   And it's by my own hands,

   Because I have to die for real so people will believe I'm actually dead.