In and Out of Time

war is over

It's been a little over a week now and things have gotten so much worse. It turns out he was a lot sicker than we previously thought. He tried to push through, mainly out of spite, but he didn't get very far. He passed away three days ago and I didn't even have time to process it. Due to his status, the funeral has been immediately arranged. A grand event, just as he'd have wanted it to be.

I guess it hasn't been that bad, in all honesty. Before his last day he asked to speak with me alone and I was nervous, rightfully so. Yet, he surprised me. On his death bed, he apologized for the things he'd done—treating me so poorly being the first. He confessed to resenting me because I was so much like my mother, in demeanor as well as looks.

He admitted to knowing this wasn't an excuse for his actions and that he should've handled his grief better but he simply didn't know how. I could sympathize with him on it being difficult to connect. It was never due to the fact that I wasn't his daughter but more so that I am my mother's daughter. She was the glue that held our little family together and it was never the same for any of us after she passed.

My brother, of course, didn't know her and so it's different for him but Ferdinand and I knew loss like a friend. So his favoring of David, I found out, had nothing to do with him being his biological son. It was the fact that he was untainted in a way, he didn't resemble my mother much at all. Not only that but he didn't have much of an attachment to her and so I guess Ferdinand felt 'safer' with him somehow.

Either way, it did lift a little weight off of me to know that I wasn't the problem; I mean I already knew that but it was nice to hear it. I took a second to pull myself together after he passed, then I headed over to Madonna's to give her the news. It'd been a while since I'd seen her, ever since I left her house that first day actually. I suppose that's not really a 'long' time but it was for me and upon seeing her, I recognized the feeling was mutual.

I tried my best to keep it all in but she took one look at me after closing the door and pulled me into her arms. I almost had it but then she squeezed, holding me tight, and I lost it all. Concealing my emotions was a thought of the past, I sobbed in her arms and she held me all the way through it; telling me everything was going to be just fine and that she would be there every step of the way; and she was.

Today is the funeral and I haven't been looking forward to it obviously. However, with Madonna by my side, things have been a lot easier than I expected. She has been a great help these past few days, staying with me for as long as possible before going home. She's of course come to the palace at this point; considering I'm allowed to stay there again.

I've even begun packing my things to move into a real room, not that I've had the time to pick one yet. Anyways, the funeral has ended and now we're at the cemetery preparing to bury him once and for all. I find myself feeling a pain in my chest, not for me but for my brother and my mom even though she's not here. This would've crushed her.

David and Ella are right beside us, her and Madonna having moved to stand behind us a bit. I reach for my brother's hand and he takes it with a surprisingly strong grip. We've never been close like this but I know he needs the comfort, so I push my uneasiness aside for the time being. He gives a little speech of sorts about him and I've been asked to give one as well but I decline.

I don't have very fond memories of Ferdinand and I'd prefer not to make up stories or worse reveal my prior feelings of him. It's not even for his image, simply for the fact that I don't need any more ridicule than I've already received. Besides, this is supposed to be a celebration of life and I'm trying my best to enjoy the temporary festivities.

It soon ends and the crowd disperses in waves. Soon all that's left is a few friends of his and the four of us; Me, Madonna, David, and Ella. After they've lowered him in, David throws a flower over the casket and they fully cover him. The friends have left now and, after a moment, David tugs on my arm so I look at him.

He motions for me to come to the side and I glance at Madonna who smiles reassuringly. I know this might take a while so I tell her to go ahead as I know she has to get back to her girls. Ella walks her to the carriage and stays there as I go over to David so I can see what he wants to talk to me about.

"I know we have a little while before we need to discuss this but... someone must take the throne" he says and I have a feeling I know where this is going. "Well you've been training for it so if you want my permission—I mean you really don't need it" I chuckle softly and he shakes his head in response which confuses me.

"You're the rightful heir. It should be you" he mumbles and I'm taken aback by his statement. How the hell am I to run a kingdom of people I barely know? "David I- I don't—you've been prepped for this I wouldn't know the first thing about being a... Queen" I whisper the last word it comes out my mouth, barely being able to say it at all.

"You're a quick learner, much quicker than me, and it's really not a lot that you need to learn. Listen—I'm not dumb. I know how father treated you and I felt—feel—terrible about it. I just was... afraid of upsetting him by stepping in—I was a coward..." he whispers painfully. I never knew he felt this way, it's a huge surprise for me.

"It's not your fault, sweetie. I didn't quite know how to handle it myself; so I didn't expect you to do something about it. I'm glad you had a good relationship with him, he was your father after all. Don't worry about all that anymore, it's in the past, and I don't resent you for any of it" I assure him as I put my hand on his shoulder and he nods, wiping his eyes.

"Anyways... most of the training you already have. Remaining composed in stressful situations; staying levelheaded. Public speaking is a part of it but there's not much you need to know other than a bit of history for the coronation and with the amount I've seen you read, I'm sure you know those things. Your whole life you've been preparing for it and you didn't even realize—it's amazing really" he rambles to me.

"It was hard for me to do those classes especially because father wasn't any help at all, too busy with... other things to help me. Not to mention I saw you practically doing all the things I had such a hard time learning, which frustrated me even further. The point is, you can do this. I know you can. Besides, I'll be there with you—as I've done it and can help you study if that's what you want or need" he assures me and I'm still unsure about it but I nod.

"Truthfully, I just wish to live a simple life and—after everything is said and done of course—with your permission as well... I'd like to leave the kingdom; Ella and I would. She wants to see the world and I want to give it to her" he smiles bashfully, "you don't have to ask my permission for that either, Davey. I want you to be happy and live how you want to" I promise him.

"Thank you, sis, I really appreciate it—truly. And I know that you deserve this. After being... honestly—treated like shit for years. You'll enjoy the luxuries of being queen, you can do literally anything you want without question. So... umm... reading all day and hanging out with Madonna" he smirks a bit as he says that and my eyes widen slightly.

"Yeah, I know; it's pretty obvious, Mar. Before you think anything bad, I don't have any problems with it. You love who you love and if she makes you happy then I'm over the moon for you two. Just... make sure to invite me to the wedding?" he teases and I roll my eyes. "I'll take that as a yes" he chuckles, linking my arm with his and taking one last look at Ferdinand's resting place before we head to the carriage.

I guess I'll be a queen now... god how am I gonna tell Madonna about this? I smile as the redhead comes to mind; she's always the first thing that crosses my mind. I think about what David said—me marrying her. I don't even know if that's something our relationship is growing towards. Now there's also something bigger to think about... having two Queens.