The Four Interchanging Lives of Regulus Black (Harry Potter Fanfic)

Can't

"I can't."

Regulus' head spun, his eyes on his feet, his entire body stiff, robotic, the word robotic—

"I can't..."

A shiver ran down his spine, his mind confused, so many feelings—

"I can't!"

"Get a move on already."

Regulus turned, stiff, robotic, robotic a word he shouldn't know because it related to Muggles, those who can't use magic. He turned and looked at his mother, staring at him on the train.

"You can't just stand there all day," Walburga said, eyes narrowed. "Regulus, don't make me regret letting you go to Hogwarts after that incident the other night."

Regulus sucked in his breath, turned, then moved stiffly, eyes on his feet, then he tore away, screeching to a stall as he heard Walburga scream at him not to run, but...

"I'm out of sight. I am out of sight, and she can't see me." He glanced back. "I think. I mean, I can't see her."

He took a deep breath. "Where?"

He shuffled a foot.

His eyes blinked open and closed.

He felt—

"I don't want to feel that way ever again. To be rejected." He took a deep breath, a hand clutching his chest, his heart feeling as if it pounded in his throat rather than his chest. "That girl." His eyes blinked. "I don't want to be rejected by that girl, but..."

Regulus took a deep breath, moving along slowly, unsurely, heading to the compartment, pausing there, freezing.

"She shouldn't be here though. She is..."

He knew, in the back of his mind, somehow.

"It was a Muggle shop, but that shop? I'm not sure what's going on. My head is a mess." He took a deep breath, thinking about sliding open the door.

Then—

"No." Regulus let out a deep breath. "The smart thing—the smart thing is actually not to get involved, not to do anything that results in my heart getting broken. By her, by Sirius." He felt his cheek heat up. "By her? I don't get it."

Taking a deep breath, he headed towards another compartment, peeked in to make sure it was empty, then slipped in, shutting it behind him, and—

Regulus felt something warm on his face, something wet. He reached a hand up. Confused, then—

"Why?" Regulus let out a deep breath, only for his body to break into sobs, flopping down on the seat. "Why am I crying?"

He felt his cheeks flush slightly, his face becoming sticky. And—

"Maman still didn't want me to come. Maman thinks—oh, what am I to do? All I ever do is disappoint and..."

The door of the compartment slid open. "There you are!" It wasn't Sirius, but his cousin Evan. "Wait? Are you crying?"

Regulus shook his head.

"Yes, you are," Evan said, closing the door behind him.

Regulus shook his head more, trying to calm the tears.

"Sirius?"

He shook his head. "No. Uh..."

"Aunt Walburga?"

"She did, hum?" Regulus calmed, tilting his head. "Papa said I could come to Hogwarts, that he wouldn't let her..." He took a deep breath, shaking his head. "Uh. No. She's not allowed to ban me from going to Hogwarts. Papa said so."

"That, uh," Evan cleared his throat. "I really, sometimes don't know about you."

"Sorry."

"No. I mean, your family. That mother of yours."

"I get it," Regulus said.

"Well, if it wasn't her, then what?"

"What?"

"Why were you crying?"

Regulus' eyes blinked, his eyes on his cousin. "Why was I crying? I was crying because—"

His eyes blinked. Evan tilted his head. "Regulus?"

Regulus felt his cheeks start heating up. "That girl. I was crying..." He felt his chest tighten. "This feeling? I don't—uh, what?"

"Hello to Regulus!" Evan said. "What has—you look like."

"Um, I—uh." Regulus took a deep breath. "Just forget about it."

"Yeah. When your face is turning red, and...," Evan shook his head. "You're acting very weird."

"I know. Sorry."

"That..."

Evan sighed, the conversation dying out.

Regulus, on the other hand, thought, "What? What is going on here? I'm confused."