Letters to Violet (girlxgirl)

The Letter of My Admissions of Guilt

Dear Violet,

Because there is little likelihood that I will ever send these I might as well use them for some confession time. These are things that I've done or feel that I'm struggling to deal with and figure out though I have no idea why you'd want to know these things in the first place. But then again if you're half as accepting as I hope and these letters do manage to find their way to you someday I think you'll be okay with this.

First I sometimes bind my chest. It's not a big deal it just makes me feel nice and happy and kind of pretty. It's a little weird but I like it and I'm not sure why looking like a boy sometimes makes me feel good.

I still self harm. I can't help it I mean it's not so often anymore and I want to stop but sometimes it helps. Never start okay? Please don't ever start.

I still like mainstream pop music, embarrassing but true. I know I act like this tough punk girl with short cropped hair and dark clothes but sometimes a grossly catchy song really helps me feel better. I know you wouldn't mind this though because you like that kind of music but it makes me feel like a poser.

Yep look at this lots of weird secrets and I haven't even gotten into my anger issues yet. I think they would freak you out but I really can't help myself.

Sometimes I want to hit people which is stupid because I don't think I've ever hit anyone out of anger before but sometimes... Well I have trainer boxing gloves at home and I hit the wall... A lot. I don't know what else to do with all this pent up anger and I have no idea where it comes from.

Maybe it's the fact that no one can know these things or that I love you or that I'm bisexual. Maybe that's what makes me so frustrated and angry but... I don't know.

I've written songs about you. I've been writing poetry and lyrics practically my whole life and you just get me so inspired both with joy and saddness.

And when I say songs I mean like a quarter of a book of songs. It's insane and I hope if you see them some day that it won't freak you out. Because this isn't an obsession I swear I mean I have a ton of songs about people I've seen in passing or that I'm no longer friends with. I just write all of the time about whatever comes to mind and well... You're on my mind kind of a lot.

I'm sorry. Now I know I won't send these because I don't want you to hate me. I don't think I could stand that and you know maybe with us being seperated and moving away from each other for varsity... Maybe the disconnection will come naturally and not hurt as much as it would if I just told you everything.

This letter is horrible. They just keep getting worse and making me want to cry. I thought they'd help me get over you but I think they're just making it worse. Well for me at least. They're not really affecting you right?

Well I guess they can't unless you're telepathic or something. That would be embarrassing especially considering how many times I've just though shit she's beautiful or why does she always look so hot it's not okay or the classic how will I ever get over loving you?

I guess right now I'm just exhausted physically and mentally both with this thing with you Violet and all the work I've been doing. I guess I feel a little hopeless right now; like I'm just drifting through my life and I have no real purpose. I don't know how to fix this or me.

I think I should stop now. This letter and maybe any others because... I just can't help falling for you and if stopping these might help me stop that then... Well I have not choice do I?

Sincerely yours,
Me