Victim of Circumstance | UNDER RIGOROUS EDITING

Chapter 6 - Backslides & Aftereffects

||Valeria||

You are pregnant Valeria.

I feel numb. I know this news is supposed to mean something. Invoke some emotion but everything seems to benumb. I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what to feel anymore because I can't deal with this pain no more.

What's this supposed to mean now? For my future. My life? What is this?

"Dr. Hoveka can you please repeat that again?" I say in a whisper, dumbfounded. My voice sounds broken. He looks down on the paper in his hands with sadness and empathy clouding his eyes.

"The results for the blood test we did on you came back. You are pregnant. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't—"

"Please don't." I hold up my hand. I feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Is this happening for real? Is this happening to me? Dr. Hoveka opens his mouth to say something but I raise a tremble-y hand to stop him and storm out of his office.

I start running down the corridor, looking for a way out. I bump into one or two people who give me the weird eye, like what's-her-deal?

I don't care how people look at me. I need to get out of here. I need to be alone.

A ragged sob escapes my mouth. My lungs are compacting. I descend down the stairs, trying to find a way out. A way that will enable me to be able to breathe.

I need to breathe.

I don't know how long I have been running but realization that I'm at last outside sets in when I'm bombarded by the cool air, sucking the scorching heavy air out of my lungs, filling it with newfound cool breeze.

I stop, bending down, bracing my weight on my knees, propping on my hands. Chest heaving up and down, panting.

A broken weep escapes me. A ragged hard aching cry I didn't know I could still assemble.

I need...

... Mamie!

I need my mom. I need to hear her voice. I need to know all will be okay even though it will not be. I just need her. I need her to hold me. To make everything go away. To make all seem well. This is not fair. What have I done to deserve such cruelty? Do such things happen to other people? Am I the only one in so much pain? Why am I always the one going through hell? When will this excruciating pain in my chest go away? I need it so much to ease. It's burning. A charring burn that scalds my soul into abysmal darkness.

How did it get to this? When did things become so messed up? How will I get out of this?

I start moving, walking down the street.

I don't know where I'm going. I need a breath of fresh air. Air that will liberate and alleviate every anguish tormenting my god forsaken body.

I'm pregnant...

I. AM. PREGNANT.

I'm carrying the child of the faceless dog who took my dignity away. How could this happen to me? I am expecting a child. A breathing human being with four limbs. A child conceive through ail and anguish. How am I supposed to survive this? What am I supposed to do to get out of this? Do I keep the baby? What do I do?

The tears are unstoppable. I want to be strong. Jesus, what's with me trying to be strong while I'm a broken nothing?

Everything that happened to me, everything that's happening to me is no one's fault but mine. I'm the one responsible for my own suffering. I'm the author of my own journey. The carpenter of my path. What I do now, how I respond to this will define me one day.