How it came to be.

I am nothing

        I was always told that I was nothing. Anything I did it wasn't good enough. Because of that I never let anything close.. Because of that I am nothing, I will never be anything. I'm that broken. I drown in my own emotions. When I get depressed or scared I shut down. Im scared to love cuz I know I will fuck it up. The only reason I'm here is because of him. But what about the day he leaves? That day will come. Everyone leaves. I'm just so tired of fighting with myself every waking moment I spend. I just want all of it to end. I can't tell him what's really going on. Cuz then I won't be the perfect girlfriend and it will ruin the plans we have. I don't know what to do. I start to push. But I don't want to. I want him to be with me I can't push. Its like I have no control over it. Then I shut down. And that leads us to now. I am broken and probably unfixable. The emotional pain turns into physical pain, and I can't stop it. It like the tears that run down my face. No one knows about it. And I want to keep it that way. Or should I tell him I cry myself to sleep because I tell myself all the things my step dad told me is true. I just don't know any more. I'm nothing. I'm just a sad puppy that draws too much attention. I used to pray that God will make that night my last and I won't have to see the sun the next morning. But then I would wake up. And cry cuz I saw this beautiful sunrise and hated it. I used to pray to God to take my life. And he re-payed me by taking my best friend's life instead of mine. And after that day I hated God and never prayed again. After that day I painted with silver and I came out red. I played the violin with a razor. I made a promise to my friend that day. I promised I will see her soon And that she had my blessing to be happy where ever she was. I was never truly happy after that day. That is until I met him. His blue hair made me smile. And I instantly felt warm and safe. That is why I'm scared. I'm scared God is going to take away this happiness away from me. That is why I don't have hope...