Unspoken

Chapter 3

"I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe. Though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing I still know is that you're keeping me down. Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long." Gravity-Sara Bareilles

"I've tried everything," I told Ana as I poked at one of the pillows on her bed again. "I've talked to him, but nothing seems to work. He doesn't respond to deep meaningful words as other people do. Unless they're not deep and meaningful words," I added with a shrug. I gave a small smile and side glanced at her. "Did you know in every little thing he did he took me by surprise?" She shook her head. "Every other guy I liked, I could read them. I could tell you what they were going to say before they said it—maybe even before they thought it. I could read them like a book. It never worked that way with Kasten. I could never figure out the storyline with him. Every word he said I never guessed. They were all his own. At first, it frustrated me to no end! But then one day I started realizing that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed not knowing." I wiped the tears away as they started coming down. I walked away from the bed, pacing until I stopped at the mirror. 

The girl looking at me seemed like a stranger. Yeah, she had my long semi-dark brown hair, the eyes that were never stayed the same colors two days in a row, the eyes that never matched. One was usually more green or blue than the other. But the beauty I had once seen and felt when I was with Kasten had gone and left behind this in its place. I had lost weight. Food just wasn't the same anymore. I was just a shell of what I used to be. Hallow with no filling left inside of me. "The weird thing is, the things that drove me totally insane-- I now miss."

I looked at the girl in the mirror again. And only one sentence echoed in my head. How did I get here?  I had lost who I was when I was with him. I was only a fraction of the person I used to be.

"You love him."

"Yeah. But I never told him."

"Maybe you should."

I sat down shaking my head, letting my dry, thirsty hair frame my face, looking down at my hands, holding back the rest of the tears. "It wouldn't change anything."

"You never know."

"He has a girlfriend now, trust me, I know."

"Well..." I know she was trying to help. I love her for it but I just felt so hopeless, and helpless. "Come on," she said taking my arm. "Let's go for a walk."

I nodded not saying anything. What was left to say anyway?

I tried not to mention Kasten on the walk, it wasn't easy. He had found a way into every little part of my life. His body might not be here but his soul still haunted me in everything I did—even if he didn't know it. I was weighed down by his ghostly chain that was wrapped around my ankle pulling me down deep.

It was so weird how it was almost as if he was dead to me and I just couldn't accept that. Like I'm in denial and I was trying everything to bring him back to life. At least, the Kasten I knew was gone. I couldn't bring him back to life. I had tried with no success. Now I was just lost without him. It sucked but I was stuck. I was so stuck in everything and I couldn't get out.

"Do you remember the time he told me a song that reminds him of me?" I asked Ana. I couldn't help myself, I had to bring him up, and she let me do this, probably hoping it would keep me going a little longer. I love her for letting me talk about him even though I knew I shouldn't have.

She gave a small laugh. "Yes."

"I never told him—and many other things—but I always thought of that as our song from then on. If by some miracle he wants me back the song would work even better." Part of me always wondered if he was trying to tell me he loved me through the song but I never got the guts. Especially the part the said, "I may have failed but I have loved you from the start."

She smiled. "He's special like that."

"I really hate how I can't let him go. I've tried but I can't."

"Don't. Deep down it means you shouldn't let him go."

I wanted so badly to believe that but I couldn't help but think, yeah, but what if he doesn't agree with that? What if I was the only one that agreed with that?

Ana has always been connected with emotions. I don't know how she always had it under control. I wish I could be like that. She was always willing to help me out if she could. She always knew what I was feeling. I swear she'd look at me once with those big brown eyes and knew what I was thinking.

We had a connection from the start. We didn't hide from each other. We always knew what the other was feeling without speaking a word. It was like we were soul sisters. I was so grateful I had her here with me.

"I wanted to help him," I whispered. I don't know if she heard me because the wind was picking up and the words were being carried away. "I don't know if I tried to." I looked at my empty hands. "Ana, I let him slip through my fingers, like sand."

I couldn't see as the tears spilled over, but I felt her arms come around me. She let me cry into her. I wish I could stop crying, I had been crying over him for too long. But that's like wishing you'd stop falling after you've already jumped. You need a miracle to save you. I needed a miracle, a big one to be able to save me now. You would think I'd run out of tears but I didn't. My eyes stayed in a state of being red and puffy.

I was so confused. Moments I could feel like myself. Then the next moment it would I'd be in pain, or I was just numb. I was water and things just went through me. But they didn't notice. Once again I was the invisible girl. With Kasten, I was seen by him and that was all I needed. For a few short moments, I wasn't invisible.

I forced a laugh out of me and pulled away from Ana's embrace. I couldn't handle the hugs, even if I wanted them. It meant that things were falling apart and it wasn't just me or in my head. It meant I was breaking down because of this. Because of him. It meant that this wasn't just a bad dream that would fade once I woke. They made me believe that he wasn't coming back, and Ana just didn't have the heart to tell me because she knew I wouldn't--maybe couldn't handle it. "No wonder he doesn't want me. I'm a complete baby. Who would want that?"

"No, you're not. You have a right to cry. Look at all you've been through!" I shrugged as she gave me a small smile. "Plus he's a jerk."

I let out a stiff laugh. "I love that jerk," I told her wiping my cheeks with the back of my hands.

"Well, he should have realized what he had when he had you!"

I laughed again, a little more freely this time. "You are biased."

"No, I'm not." I give her a look like don't lie to me. "Maybe a little," She held up her index finger and thumb an inch apart, "but still he's an idiot." She held her hands up as I gave her a look. "I'm just saying."

I sighed. "Yeah. A special idiot."

We both smiled and made our way back to her house.