Unspoken

Chapter 4

"We made quite a mess, babe. It's probably better off this way. And I confess, babe that in my dreams you're touching my face and asking me if I want to try again with you... I bet this time of night you're still up. I bet you're tired from a long, hard week. I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city. And I hope sometimes you wonder about me." I Almost Do-Taylor Swift

As the weeks went on things got more confusing, and in some ways clearer.

When I did talk to him—he said he still wanted to be friends—he seemed like he still cared. He would say things that reminded me of the old Kasten. Things that made me think he still cared.

But he was so hot and cold. We fought a lot—we never fought when we were together- not until the end. We used to be able to work things out without fighting.

I would get so frustrated with him, I wanted to scream and yell at him. Punch him until he felt the pain I felt in my heart until he knew how it felt to be me. Until he understood what it meant to be me. To let him know how hard this was for me. Because I felt as though this was worse for me than it was for him. For him, it was like it never even happened. Just like we have been friends the whole time and nothing else. Just a distant memory, faded.

I would stay mad at him until I couldn't stand it anymore. I hated fighting with him and felt like he had pleasure from it. I would find myself saying sorry to him. He said he was sorry but I always found myself questioning if that were true.

Ana had once told me that Kasten said to her that he liked it when we fought because we didn't talk as much. Which burned me deep. I don't know why he said it or if he really meant it either. Was it said in the heat of the moment? Maybe he just said that because he was upset, or maybe he meant it. If that was the case why didn't he just tell me? I thought we could be honest with each other. I don't think he ever realized how much that hurt and killed me inside.

I couldn't let the anger out. I was always one to keep the negative feelings inside of me. I couldn't let it boil over. I couldn't lose control, and I need to badly but I didn't have the know-how.

I wouldn't let Kasten win like that. I couldn't let him have that glory over me. I couldn't let him see me fall any more than I already had. Not because of him or my past. But I knew sooner or later I would fall and no one would catch me. I had to prepare myself now for it.

I was just a piece of who I used to be. My weight had dropped to an all-time low and I could see my ribcage now when I looked in the mirror. I made sure to wear layers so people couldn't tell.

I couldn't sleep anymore. I cried late into the night. I wouldn't stop until my eyes were dry—which rarely happened—or when exhaustion pulled me under, but even then I couldn't get peace. I couldn't find peace anywhere I went.

Dreams haunted me, his face would appear, begging, pleading. But there was a small hope, something I didn't have in the waking hours. The hope only stayed in the daytime for a couple of minutes then harsh reality came crashing down on me and the hope. Then I was back to being hopeless again.

In the dreams, he wanted me back. He was the old Kasten. Not this new cold-hearted one. Kasten in the dreams wanted to help people again. He wanted me. He told me we could go back to the time we were happy, not fighting or hurting inside. Not hiding. He told me we could go back, away from this world where we wore masks. We could go back to when we were both ourselves. I wanted so badly to believe him. I wanted to be in his arms again so much that it hurt. I wanted to be safe, with him. I wanted to tell him that I knew on some level he was faking the happiness he was feeling, just like me now that we were apart. But I couldn't because I couldn't know for sure that was the truth.

I wanted to tell him that my whole life was a puzzle piece that didn't fit anywhere. The colors didn't match no matter what I did, or how much I changed. Though, in his arms things were different. In his arms, I was safe, happy, myself, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was home... No more wandering, no more searching. I had found what I was looking for. I found that I could be me, no strings attached. I was free.

In my dreams, I was happy, whole, and nothing was wrong. Though the heartbreak would come back when the dreams floated away and the reality would sink in again.

I'd wake up, finding myself crying into the pillows that surrounded me. There they would stay, letting me cry to them. There they had open arms, understanding, compassion. And as weird as that sounds I took comfort from that. They seemed to be the only thing that didn't change.

As the weeks went on I found a way of pushing it to the side and becoming strong on the outside and lying to myself on the inside. I would tell myself that I didn't love him every time I found myself weakening. I just wish I could see the beauty in myself that I had when I was with Kasten. But as hard as I could I couldn't see it without him.

The problem was I never have been good at lying to myself though I seem to be getting better.

There was something about him that brought the good out of me, the beauty.

With him gone I lost the glow I had. I feel like I lost more than him, or the glow, so much more. I lost myself.

Of course, he didn't consider himself gone, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't really call him a friend anymore. Everything was wrong, yet here I was.

Here I was, searching, once again. For what? I wasn't always that sure. But the searching was all I knew so it was all I did.

All of these thoughts were rushing through my mind as I laid in my bed. I sighed flipping over to my other side, finding my way to the clock. Six A.M. stared me in the face.

No, I told myself. No, do not think of it.

But my willpower crumbled along with what was left of my heart.

The memory of getting up early to bug him while he went for a run came seeping into my mind.

Hey, I texted him.

Within a few minutes, he replied, You just couldn't stay away.

I smiled to myself because really I couldn't.

I remember is have my window open by my bed. The chilled air bit at my flushed cheeks. The sun was rising, its rays hitting the mountains across from it. When I was at that moment I didn't want to let it go, but now there was nothing more I'd like than having it gone and stay all at the same time.

I pushed it from my mind trying to think of something else to take its place. I ripped off my warm covers and pulled my hair off of my face into a high ponytail.

I threw a light jacket over my undershirt. I put on my shoes that have been loved too much and headed out the door.

I didn't mind that I was wandering the streets at six A.M. in my sweats, but Mom might have. The thing is I had to try and get away from things that haunted me constantly. This seemed like the best way to do it. But everywhere I went there was reminders of him.

It's like he became my everything and now he's not here even the nothing had him in it.

The tears started coming again so I just focused on making it to Ana's house.