The last video

It was quiet for a while as Eddy thought about what to say after pressing record. He knew he had to say something, just for everything to make sense. Inside he felt nothing, not fear, not sorrow, not happiness. When he had made the descision everything got calm and he felt confident it was the right thing to do. Everything would be better, both or Brett, himself and everybody else. He knew Brett wouldn't understand at first, and that's why he had to make this video. He had to explain.

He took a deep breath. "I... I'm sorry, Brett..." He didn't understand why his voice was so shaky, but just accepted it. "... for waiting this long. I wasn't sure I was brave enough. I had to do it on my first attempt so you wouldn't have to worry." He felt his heart sink, thinking about everything he'd miss about being alive, if there was something more after this life. He hoped it wasn't. He thought about Brett's slow breathing at night, about his laugh, about playing the violin, about hugging his mom. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to collect his thoughts. He had to move on. Brett could be home any second.

"I'm also so sorry I didn't say goodbye properly, but you'd find out what I was up to. I hope that hug this morning will count, because..." His voice trailed off and he turned his gaze away from the camera. He had known what he was going to do for a few days, he was so sure. Still he had doubted his choice in that split second when his chin touched the top of Brett's soft hair. He really had to convince himself he was doing the right thing once Brett had left, and his heavy mind was a good help in doing so.

His eyes slowly moved back to the camera and he fiddled with the sleeve of his hoodie. "In a way, I hope it's not you who finds me, but I realize that's probably unavoidable. I'm sorry you have to see that." His voice was cracking up now, his tears making his eyes blank. "I'm doing this because I love you, okay? It's not your fault, it's just that I'm holding you back and make you worry and all I want is for you to be happy, okay?" He was really sobbing now, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie and wrapping his long skinny arms around himself. He leaned forward to check the time on his phone. It was time, he'd be home any second.

He opened the bottle of liquor and took a large gulp of it, grimacing at the taste and feeling the burning sensation hit his throat. "Internet said it would be painless. I am also so sorry for lying to you, Brett. I said I wouldn't do it with sleeping pills, but I don't think I dare to jump off anywhere, and I don't have time to... to bleed..." He scratched his arm before taking another large sip of the alcohol. Again it burned, but he needed to get as much as he could down. Brett could come home any second. A silent voice in the back of his head hoped he would.

"I love you Brett. So so much, more than anything, okay?" Again he had to wipe his tears. "You're my everything, and all I want from you after... after... this... I want you to move on, okay? Please, Brett. Do it for me." Again he swallowed a large gulp from the bottle in his hand, this time without grimacing. He checked the content of it. Only a bit left. He felt his vision getting blurry just from the alcohol already. Probably because he hadn't eaten much that day. The next time he spoke, his speech was slightly slurred.

"P...please... Brett... I love you. Move on... for me. I'm not worth dwelling on."

And then the screen went black for a second before switching back to the picture of Eddy with the play button in front of him. Eddy's last words ran through his head like a broken record. "Please Brett, I love you. Move on for me. I'm not worth dwelling on." His heart shattered at the last part every time it repeated. Brett knew he had failed him, failed to love him like he should have, and it slowly ate him up.
"I love you too, Eddy. Please come back", he whispered before curling up into a ball next to the couch and letting all his emotions go.