incarcerated

21.

    after his transfer, brett would only have about a month left. it was a short amount of time, but it seemed that the days seemed to lengthen as the number of them he had left shortened. as he sat on eddy's lap in his office, they talked it over.

    "i'm not sure where you're going yet, but i'll let you know as soon as i find out. i can visit you every week and there are only four of those until you're out. it's going to be okay, brett. i promise," eddy said into brett's ear, his large hands running through the smaller boy's hair. brett sighed.

    "i'm just nervous. i already had to get used to prison once. it's going to feel like starting all over again. and i won't have you," he mumbled, sniffling. eddy nodded.

    "i know, bretty, but it's just going to be for a month. maybe it'll be nicer, yeah? maybe you'll make some friends and the time will pass quicker. and i can call you every day. we can get through it and then we can be together."

    brett froze for a moment. obviously, he'd thought about the fact that he and eddy were still going to be involved with each other after his release, but what were they? how would their relationship function when there weren't bars between them? would eddy be his boyfriend? what if eddy realized he didn't actually want him? his head was spinning and he closed his eyes, saying nothing.

    "you okay?" eddy asked quietly, resting his palm on brett's cheek. brett blinked hard and rubbed his eyes, shrugging.

    "do you want to talk about what's wrong?" eddy's voice was gentle as he ran his fingertips along brett's prominent spine, frowning slightly at its protrusions. brett shivered and bit his lip.

    "i don't think you're going to want me when you can have me," he muttered. eddy frowned fully now, leaning back to look into brett's unsettlingly deep brown eyes. but he looked away.

     "what?" eddy whispered, brow furrowed in confusion. brett huffed frustratedly and clenched his teeth.

     "i think you just like the danger that comes with whatever this is, whatever we are. it's risky and it gives you a rush because you're bored. what's going to happen when this doesn't have to be a secret anymore? you're going to get bored again and find something else to occupy yourself with. i'm afraid that i'm just a placeholder while you wait for your next source of adrenaline. i know you're getting it when i'm here. i can hear your heart pounding. but i'm not always going to make you feel that way, and i'm scared," he rambled on, avoiding eye contact with eddy once more. the taller boy's eyes began to water.

    "is that really what you think of me?" he whispered, biting his lip. brett turned to look at him, taken aback by the sudden sadness in his voice.

    "i don't know, eddy," he replied. a single tear fell down eddy's cheek and he wiped it away, embarrassed.

    "brett, i.. i'm not putting myself at risk because i like it. i don't like the secrecy, i don't like that i can't walk around with you and hold your hand for all to see. my heart pounds when i'm with you because you make me nervous, not because i like sneaking around. i don't.. i've never.." he sighed frustratedly, tugging at his hair. "i've never felt like this before."

    feeling guilty, brett leaned into eddy's chest and put his hand on the younger boy's cheek. he pushed gently and kissed eddy's lips when his head turned, closing his eyes slowly. eddy's face was red when they pulled away.

    "i'm sorry, eddy," brett murmured, cupping eddy's face with his hands. the warden shook his head.

"it's okay," he sniffled. "i'm sorry i got so upset. it's not like me."

brett shook his head and stood up, leaning down and pressing his lips to eddy's forehead.

"it's okay. i should probably go now, though. will you let me know when you find out more about the transfer?" brett said. eddy nodded.

"it should be soon. maybe tomorrow, or later today even. i'll call you in here," he replied, standing up as well. brett looked up at him and sighed as eddy's arms wrapped around his waist. he hugged back and closed his eyes.

"i'm sorry i was so harsh before. i just didn't know what to do. i thought it would be better if i pushed you away," eddy mumbled. brett nodded sympathetically.

     "i know. it's okay," he reassured eddy as he pulled away, raising up on his toes to kiss his cheek one last time before they parted ways for the day.

    "i'm gonna go now. lunch is soon," brett sighed. eddy nodded and released him from his grip, hands trembling ever so slightly.

     "i'll see you later," the warden said as brett opened the door to his office.

     "see you later, eddy."

     brett walked slowly down the hall, arms crossed and head down as always. staying close to the wall was helpful when it came to avoiding contact with the other inmates, but it wasn't guaranteed to work. the concrete brushed against his scratchy uniform and the fabric rustled softly. it was a noise he'd become familiar with. he glanced up at the clock and saw that it was two minutes before lunch time, meaning he'd better head straight to the cafeteria, despite how much he did not want to.

     as he entered the large room with the rest of the prisoners, he thought about his first day there and how awful it had been. there had been worse days, but the uncertainty and unfamiliarity had been a nightmare. the eyes that had been glued to his small body had made it even worse. looking around now, it seemed that no one was paying attention to him at all. they'd gotten bored with jokes about his size and stature, moving on to the next person who had laughable qualities.

    unfortunately, that would not be the case wherever he went next. he was sure of it. there would be a new group of inmates to push him around and laugh at him for weeks. there would be a new warden who didn't care about him or his safety like eddy did. maybe things would be better there, but he doubted it. he couldn't see anything being better without eddy.

    after getting his food,—they called it pizza, but it was more like cardboard—brett sat down alone as always. he ate even though he had zero appetite. as if he hadn't been small enough already, he'd lost weight since being there and his ribs poked out way too much for his liking. it wasn't that he was trying to be that way, the food was just terrible and he rarely felt hungry ever since those nights in the closet. every time he managed to work up an appetite, it was destroyed when his mind inevitably wandered to remembering what had been done to him.

     lunch was boring, as always. brett walked back to his bunk with the rest of the inmates on his block and sat down on his bed. he had just opened his book to read when he heard murmurs of confusion spread across the entire block.

     his heart stopped when he looked up, staring straight into the eyes one of the inmates who'd pushed him into the closet that godforsaken night.