Secret || Chanlix

Chapter two.

--

After the last song, which obviously wasn't the last with our group's 'just one more and then we'll go' mentality, we were all exhausted and sweating enough to make it look like someone had sprayed us all with a firehose.

The bandage around my chest was restricting my breathing, making my breaths come out in short, wheeze-like pants. I hid it as best I could though, chugging my water and trying to intake deeper, slower breaths. I shouldn't make my members worry about me.

"Channie hyung, what time does the album come out?" Jeongin asked curiously, wiping the sweat on his forehead with his arm.

My eyes widened as I realised that our Clé 1: Miroh album was supposed to be released later today.

Glancing at Chan, I sucked in a breath and immediately looked away.

Sweat glistened on his pale, almost white skin, the veins in both his arms and neck bulged and I could see his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed the water in his mouth. My head spun as I tried to drown out the thoughts in my head with my stale, room-temperature water. It tasted kinda like plastic, but it was better than being dehydrated and... thirsty.

"I think at like, 3pm today. You guys excited?"

Everyone, including me, cheered loudly. I was pretty nervous about what stays would think of it and I definitely wasn't looking forward to reading some of the comments about it from our antis, but overall I couldn't wait for it to be released.

We were going on a world tour soon, too. That was hella exciting as well.

I stood up with a tired groan to shove my water bottle into my bag, then plopped myself down beside Chan. "Ayo Chris, my dude," I said in english, grinning at him and sagging my sweaty body against his sweaty shoulder, "how ya going?"

"I'm pretty nervous about going back to Australia. I don't wanna screw it up since it's our first concert there." Chan mumbled back, dropping his head back against the wall. (A/N We're ignoring their Unveil Tour 'I am...' in 2019 - which was amazing even if we're pretending it didn't exist.)

My heart stopped. I completely forgot about that. We'd be going to both Melbourne and Sydney on our world tour. The thought made me feel sick, terrified. My stomach churned as if it were a washing machine, making nausea swirl in my gut until I felt like spilling my guts all over the floor.

Syndey; the place I grew up in, the place my family were, the place that held so many horrible memories.

There was a reason I moved to Korea, and it wasn't just to follow my dream like what I told people.

My parents had always known I was a tomboy who hated dresses and loved playing sports with the boys at school. They didn't really like it, but let me wear masculine clothes and hang out with whoever I wanted. Although, my mother always forced me to wear hideous dresses at social gatherings and events. I would usually end up tearing or dirtying them somehow though, and the flowing fabrics always made me feel so uncomfortable.

When they found out I was 'a trannie', they... didn't react well.

My father, who had always been strict but caring (to some extent)(I think), had physically fucking beat me to a pulp while my mother sobbed on the ground saying that it was her fault I'm so fucked up.

They both could barely even look at me after that and avoided me as much as possible for a literal year, thinking I'd grow out of my 'phase'.

My father threatened me that if I told anyone, I'd regret it - and he wasn't lying.

My back was still littered with long, faded scars from when introduced myself as a boy to a toddler I found at the mall (I also helped him find his mum again). After that, my father dragged me home and whipped me with a belt until I passed out. He said I deserved it and I believed him. I kept my mouth shut after that.

I left Sydney as soon as I could, which was when I was seventeen. My family and I haven't been in contact since then, and I hoped it would stay that way. Actually, I don't even think my sisters know what happened, or even that I'm a boy.

"Felix? You okay?" Chan waved a hand in front of my face as I shook my head to clear the bad thoughts, realising with a soft sigh that I had been staring at nothing for a few minutes.

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about Australia."

--

After getting lunch and practising for a few more hours, our instructor (and Minho hyung) finally let us go back to the dorm. I hadn't eaten much, feeling too nauseous with my mind preoccupied about the tour. Plus, I was trying to lose weight to see if my stupid fucking girly hips would disappear.

Once we got to the dorm, I sprinted to the bathroom, screaming my lungs out in a mix of both korean and english. "I'm showering first, motherfuckers!"

"Language!" Chan hyung gasped from behind me as the others complained about how it wasn't fair that I got to steal the whole bathroom.

After quickly grabbing some clean clothing from the bedroom closest to the bathroom (not mine oop-), I locked the bathroom door and turned on the shower.

I took my shirt off and unravelled the bandage, immediately sucking in a deep breath as my chest expanded and I could finally breathe normally again.

My eyes avoided the thing staring at me from the mirror while I took the rest of the clothes off and put them on top of the bandage to conceal it from view so that I didn't have to be reminded of how vile my body is.

Then, after checking the temperature to make sure it was scalding hot just as I liked it, I quickly got under the water and pulled the shower curtain closed to stop the water wetting everything in the bathroom.

A few minutes later, while I was washing my hair, I heard a scream of pain from somewhere in the dorm.

I ignored it, assuming it was just the boys being idiots like usual, but my lungs physically stopped working when I heard the sound of the bathroom door unlocking and a handle turning.

"Felix, this is important so please don't hate me!"