Where It Leads Us

Chapter Forty-eight

I stare at the note, trying to figure it out but I couldn't, no matter how much I force my brain to come up with answers and possibilities.

glimmering twilight,

your ghost disappears.

when the sun came,

i, overshadowed by fear.

soft drizzle of the nightfall,

lingers in my skin

i was there in the field,

and you were there with me.

No hints were provided as to how I can decipher the poetry she wrote. This letter seems to be the most difficult to understand compared to the other ones that she's written.

As Aaren continued to drive silently, I caught him sneaking glances at me out of the corner of my eye. I kept reading the note over and again to see if it would make any sense, but I was still unable to do so.

"You've been staring at that note ever since you've had it."

We pull up at the traffic lights, and Aaren finally speaks as he adjusts his body slightly in my direction and fixes his entire gaze on me.

I turn to face him and say, "I'm not very sure about how to solve this one," just as he was about to take the note from me but the light had gone green, signaling us to keep on going.

I folded the paper and clutched it firmly within my hand as soon as we reached the street of my house, steering the car on the right towards it. As Aaren parked the car outside the front porch, he turned to face me once again, I remained seated for a while, unwilling to get up and go.

He took my hand, and I open my palm as he took the note from me. After a long, temporary period of silence, he tilted his head to look me in the eyes.

"I'm not too sure about this one, either," He says, "But I'm sure we'll able to solve it. For now, you should get some rest."

I sighed wearily and then nodded. Before I could exit the vehicle, I felt his hand firmly grasping mine and preventing me from leaving as he said, "Good night," with a smile.

Inside my gut, a strange sensation started to boil up. I knew it wasn't something I had consumed earlier that had caused it because my heart began to beat rapidly in my chest.

I smiled at him, "Good night," I said as he lets go of my hand.

I stepped out of his car, bending down as I bid him goodbye, and watched him drive away before heading inside of the house. It was almost eleven-thirty and I am starting to wonder whether Clarissa is mad at me for not getting back at her messages and missed calls.

When I first entered the house, Clarissa was sitting on the staircase with her head resting on her hands' palms. She was perplexed when she saw me, for a second, I thought she was going to slap me, but as soon as she approached me, she threw herself at me for a hug.

"I have been so worried about you," she says as I feel her breath fanning my skin. She placed her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes, "Do you even know what time it is?"

"It's almost 12?"

"Exactly!"

"I'm sorry I lost track of time," I said as I stare at my feet, "I just needed to do something for school."

Clarissa placed a hand on her hip as she says, "Ms. Wilson told me that you haven't visited her at her office when I already reminded you to. And Dr. Nikki has been worried because you haven't gone back to her for the last two months. If I didn't ask Dr. Nikki about your progress today, I wouldn't have known!"

She began speaking in an irate tone and I found myself speechless as I stared into her eyes, unable to come up with a plausible reason to spare me from a lengthy lecture about my medication and the likelihood of what would happen to me.

"You keep saying you're doing things for school yet I haven't seen your grades go up. What is happening? Where have you really been all this time, huh?" She keeps asking me questions, but I am unable to bring myself to honestly or satisfactorily respond to them.

"And why haven't you been taking your medication? I wouldn't have discovered that unopened prescription bottle, which was strictly prescribed for you to take if I hadn't cleaned the entire house today."

"I—"

"Lauren, you do know that I'm trying my best to help you, right?" She cuts me off as she continues to talk, "If you keep doing things like these behind my back or without me knowing, how are we supposed to know when you'll be able to stand on your own?"

I nearly gaze at her in disbelief, almost finding myself angry with her at what she said.

"Even if you don't tell me, I know you're struggling," she continues again, "We are here to help you. Why does it seem like you don't want to be helped? I thought you wanted to get better?"

"I do!" I exclaimed, almost taken aback by the way I raised my voice, "Believe me, I do," I said in a softer tone, feeling my throat contract as I fought over the wave of tears that were ready to wash me.

I sat down on the stairs, removed my bag, and tossed it on the side, "I just wanted to find some answers," I answered truthfully as I rest my head on the palm of my hand.

Clarissa sits down beside me, placing an arm on my shoulder, "What answers? Answers to what?" she asks.

I look at her, "Answers as to why she killed herself. Answers to who drove her to kill herself. Answers that I can only accept to find out now as to why she did that." A strong tremor overtook me and I felt my chin wobble as a tear quickly flowed down my cheek in a blink of an eye.

"Oh, honey," She embraced me, "Why? It's been years. Look, I know what it feels like—"

I stood up, "No, you don't," I finally spit it out, "I'm so tired of hearing people say that. You know, it's easy for you to say you understand what I'm going through but you never really have any idea how much it is hard for me as it is easy for you to just say that you feel the way I do."

"Lauren, honey—"

I shake my head, "You really don't understand me," I looked at her without blinking as I let the tears fall freely, embracing the feeling entirely, "Most especially, you don't know what I actually and truly feel!"

I hurried up the stairs and went straight to my room, slamming the door so hard that it echoed through the roof. As I feel my knees weaken, I fell to the floor, sobbing.

I squeezed my eyelids close as hot tears flowed down my cheeks in hopes that they would eventually stop. Through choppy, heavy breaths and continuously watering eyes, I lay on the floor motionless for a while, inevitably falling asleep.

***