Inside Brahms - Part 66

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Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

When I finally have her in my arms again, I know this is where we've always been, and can never leave.   She belongs with me, and I with her.   Fate brought us together.    And we've been through so much.   How could I ever have let her leave?   

She's my first, and, God willing, my last.  And she's come home to me.   

I feel her heartbeat.  I feel her passion.  I know her down to her bones.    I know too, that she can never understand me in the same way.   She has her own darkness but it's never as black as mine.   

And these children.   My children.    I see in their eyes reflected my own tender youth as it might have been without those wicked winds to twist it.   

Hello, Daddy

"Hello, Jamie...."

I squat down until my eyes are level with his    He has his daddy's eyes.  My eyes.  Eyes that have always been my own.   Not blue like my father's.  Nor hazel like my mother's.    He's the stronger of the two.  Taller by an inch.   I suspect he'll have his mother's patience but my fire.  He stares back at me, unflinching, unafraid.   Bold and enquiring.  I vow he and his brother will have as good a life as I can give them.    

Hello, Daddy

"Hello, my son..."

Sean.   Does Y/N know I have Irish roots?   I've never told her.   Here's a boy who'll grow in his brother's shadow, but will find himself as the years pass.   For now, he's the strength Jamie draws upon, though neither are old enough to realise this yet.    How lucky they are to have each other.   This child has the light that burns in his mother's eyes.   He's softer by nature, but with no less the inner steel I've given his brother.   When they are grown, they will be formidable.

How can we both protect them from the evils of the world?    How can we prolong their innocence?   Will I be normal to them?  Will they love me in spite of myself?

When they come to me, something inside breaks.   I feel it shatter through my soul, and know my life will never be the same.   The old Brahms must be submerged.   His time is done.  He needs to go.   There's no room for him in this family.    I wonder as I stare at these two beautiful children if I can hide who I've always been for their sake.    A balance is necessary.  To them I'll be one person.  To her, another.    With her I can be whoever she needs me to be.  With them?  I will always be their  father.

Small hands embrace me, and I hold them tight, too overwhelmed to speak.   What rises inside seeps through  all the damaged places that never healed.   Y/N started the process.  These children will complete it.   I lift my face to show her how I feel.  There's no shame in these tears.  They're real.  They're needed.   I want her to see them.  This is who I should have been.  This is who I want to be.  The person who was afraid to show themselves for too many years.    

I am Brahms.


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