What I Should Have Done ✓

Chapter 11

I wished I had turned on the ceiling fan last night. Not because I was hot, I wasn't, but so I would now have had something to stare at other than the smooth, white ceiling. Maybe the ceaseless round and round of the rotor blades would have lulled me back to sleep. Instead, I was stuck lying in bed at 6 am on a Saturday morning, buzzing and incapable of falling back asleep.

Fatigue drenched my skin and bones. The night had been restless. I had woken up several times, my brain going into overdrive every time, replaying the conversation with Liam. The way he'd smirked when I suggested I could be into someone else, even if it wasn't John. He was so sure of himself, yet felt threatened by John Jay. Liam Confortale, objectively the best guy I'd ever met, felt threatened by a college athlete of all people. I knew there was more to John than met the eye, but Liam didn't.

'You know I like you'. Way to play the ball back into my field. As if I should have known and he wouldn't have needed to say anything had I paid attention. He hadn't meant it that way, but this was what my overanalyzing mind took away from the conversation. That, and that he had feelings for me. Whoa.

Sighing, I flung back the comforter and sat up. If I was wide awake anyway, I could at least use the time more productively than to overthink. Plodding over to my closet, I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. Thankfully, I wasn't meeting John for study group today, it was the last thing I needed. No more thoughts of him or Liam today. I had to study for my midterms.

Why couldn't he crush on someone else? He was objectively a good person. Too good for me. I wasn't as nurturing as Jessica or as supportive as Grampa or as patient as Dad. I just wasn't.

It's one date. Only tonight. I'm going and then I'll tell him I'm flattered, but can't commit to a relationship right now. Simple.

***

I had changed into and out of three outfits: the denim skirt was too short for the season, the cable-knit sweater too warm, the cardigan too thin. I had pulled my hair into a bun and fixed it with a gazillion bobby pins only to take them all out again and brush my hair out. Then I had wanted to curl it, but I hadn't had time to run to Jessica's to get her curling iron and hadn't thought of asking her to bring it when she came over earlier.

"Chica, relájate. This is Liam." Jessica looked up from her textbook. She was lounging on my bed, propped up against a stack of cushions, doing homework.

"I know," I whined. "I don't know why I care so much."

"Just spitballing here: could it be that you like him and want the date to be special?" She scratched her scalp with the metal end of the pencil where the eraser had been.

Did I?

"I don't know. Is Liam a contender for being the best guy who's ever walked the surface of the earth? Obviously."

Jessica sat up, placed her pencil in her textbook and closed it, setting it aside carefully. "Babe, I like Liam just fine, but are you sure it's justified to put him on this pedestal?"

"It's... too much. Too fast. I didn't have time to get used to the idea."

"Oh, are we ignoring what I just asked you, is that what we're doing?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I closed my eyes.

"Gracie, do you know what you want?"

John. The millisecond the thought popped into my mind, my eyes popped out of their sockets and shivers raced through my body. My stomach churned. The most terrifying thing about the thought was—I meant it. But this could not happen. Even the idea was completely, unambiguously off limits. So off limits that I hadn't even told Jessica about The Movie Night. I cleared my throat.