What happens now

CHAPTER XXXVI

Arizona

"I had the most awesome night. How did you guys even managed to pull that off? I mean, if I talked to Teddy before this whole thing, I would've had a clue." I said to Callie as we walked in the hallway towards her apartment.

"Teddy planned the whole thing basically. All I had to do was stall you." She said as she opened the door, with me trailing behind her. 

"Well, you did your job well. I still can't wrap my head over the fact that we're going to Malawi in two weeks!" I say in excitement as I dropped my other boot on the floor and settling myself on the couch.

She didn't retort back. Callie was silent. I know or well, I felt that she was having thoughts about Malawi. I completely understood her slight hesitation over this matter. She just moved here, a few months ago. I watched her, as she paced in the kitchen, uncertainty in her movements. I sighed, boldly standing up and walked to the kitchen to where Callie was.
Her back was facing me as I approached her. Stepping behind her, I wrapped my arms around her middle and rested my chin on her shoulder, pecking her on the cheek. She leaned unto my touch and reached for my face. We stood there for a moment until I decided to break the silence that we were wrapped in.

"Are you okay? You seem quiet." I let go of her and turned her around.

Her head hung low, like she didn't want to look me in the eye. 

"Callie?" I said in a whisper that seemed to get her attention. 
She finally looked up and I looked her straight in the eyes. Her eyes were filled with uncertainty, clouded with confusion and worry. She held my face in between her hands and her lips moved, saying something that I couldn't make out or hear. And then it hit me. 

She doesn't wanna go to Malawi.

"Arizona?" Her facial features were soft and a wave of sadness hit me. 
 
I might not get to see this face everyday again.

"You don't wanna go to Malawi with me, do you?" I said, forcing the words out of my mouth. 

She looked away and sighed. I nodded my head, gulping as I opened my mouth again.

"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to Callie. I don't wanna drag you across the country and make you miserable when all I want is for you to be happy." I squeezed her hand and she faced me again. Tears welled up in her eyes and were threatening to fall. I cupped her face and leaned my forehead against hers.

"Arizona, I don't wanna lose you. I just can't lose you. So, I'm gonna go with you. I don't care about anything else. I just wanna be with you."
"Baby, it's three years. Can you handle that without seeing your friends here?" She squeezed her eyes shut and her tears finally spilled. I used my thumb to wipe them and she opened her eyes again. Those chocolate brown eyes that I've grown to love. The way it twinkled every time she talks. 

"And as much as I hate to say this, we can skype, email and still talk over the phone. We can do long distance Callie, even thought I don't believe in them. But I just happen to know that we can do it." I reassured her. 

"Don't do this Arizona. I am coming with you. End of story!" She let go of me and started walking out. I followed her and tried to grab her hand, but she shrugged me off. She slammed the bedroom door shut, leaving me outside, the door as our barrier.

"Callie! Open this door now. Let's talk about this without slamming doors in each other's faces."

"We have nothing to talk about! I am going to Malawi with you and that's final."

"How about you open this door and talk to me properly?" My forehead rested against the door, one hand on the door knob. Malawi was causing problems, but I've dreamt of this since my residency. To make a difference in this world, to help those tiny humans who have limited access to healthcare and surgery. But this dream was affecting my other dream. The dream of spending my entire life with Callie. We've only been dating for a few months and I was certain. Extremely sure that I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. In her, I found the missing piece that I was looking for. I found comfort in her, and love that I never knew, never in a million years, I was going to find. In her, I see forever. 

"Callie, please." I begged and swallowed the lump in my throat. I wasn't going to lose her. I can't let that happen. 
I let go of the door knob and shook away the tears. I took a deep breath and backed away from the door, quickly learning that I really needed to make a choice. 


xxx


It's been three days since we last talked, and since I left her apartment that night. I did call the next day, which went straight to voicemail. I saw her once, leaving the cafeteria, laughing with Mark. It killed me. If I left, she would be fine without me, or so I thought.  

I was too much of a chicken to knock at her apartment door. I really, desperately needed to see her, and talk this out. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was unsure if it were the fear of having to see her everyday in three years knowing that she's miserable or me having to choose between staying and leaving off to Malawi. 

I need her with me, but I also need to fulfill my duty, as a doctor, as a surgeon. I was too wrapped in the my thoughts that I landed on my ass, Teddy hovering over me.

"What's the matter with you? You've been MIA on me and now you just bump on people?" Teddy said, offering a hand to help me up. 

I quickly fixed myself and muttered a quick apology. I was about to leave, when she grabbed my shirt, not letting me leave without explaining myself.

"Well? Start talking Arizona. I have time to spare." Her tone was serious and I knew from that tone that she was not letting me get, not unless I tell her what's going on.

"Time is ticking Arizona. Better start now." I shuddered and opened my mouth to start talking.

"I don't know what I'm doing with my life Teds. Callie says she wants to go with me to Malawi, but I know deep down she doesn't want to. And I just can't bring myself to choose whether I should stay or go, when I know that those children need me. I don't wanna lose Callie, I don't want to force her, I'm not sure if I could stay here--" 

Her eyes softened and she gave me a sympathetic look. I tried to smile up at her but I couldn't. Not when I'm having this eternal battle that I wasn't sure I was going to win. She opened her arms, and I gladly hugged her. This was one of the things I loved about Teddy. Whenever crisis lands in my life, she's there to hug them away and listen. 

"I know that a hug won't fix this Arizona, but I just really thought you could use one." She said, her chest vibrating against mine as she talked. I hummed in approval, hugging her a bit tighter. Then I thought again that if I do go to Africa, and things may go downhill, Teddy won't be there to give me her comforting hugs. 

I was getting overwhelmed, and so I let go. My shoulders shook as I sobbed. Teddy started pulling me to the stairwell nearby and held me as I cried. She rubbed my back and kissed my head several times, which made me cry more. My sobs subsided and I was finally able to talk again without bursting into another fit of cries.

"I don't think I'm ready to let this all go. I mean, I'll be back, in 3 years but damn it's too long Teds. What do I do? I am clueless of what I should do. I'm torn. UGH!" I sat on the steps and dropped my head on my hands. I felt her presence beside me and she pulled me sideways.

"You are going to figure this out. But you know what you should do? For starters, talk to Callie. I know that you guys aren't talking. Plus I haven't seen you two together these days. You both are usually joined at the hip you know?" I sighed and sniffed. She's right. I should stop being a coward and talk to Callie. 

"Hey Teds?"
"Hmm?" 
"Thanks. I'll miss you, if I do go to Malawi." I looked up at her.
"And I'll miss you too. Now go and fix this with your girl." She lightly pushed me and I laughed at her.

I went and searched for Callie. I reached the ortho floor, but she wasn't there. I checked the pit, the cafeteria, the OR board, the attending's lounge, on call rooms, but she wasn't there. Realizing it was evening, I figured she was now back at her apartment. I made my way out and walked in speed, unable to wait any longer to talk to her.

I banged my fist at her apartment door, not stopping until she opens it. The door finally swung open, revealing Mark Sloan, recovering from a huge laugh.

"Ah Robbins! You finally decided to show up. I was just leaving. Hey Cal, your girl is here so I'm off! See you at work!" He gave me a pat on the shoulder and left the apartment to go to his. 

I closed the door behind me and found Callie in the living room, her legs sprawled on the couch, a throw pillow on her lap. She fiddled nervously with the tassel that dangled on the pillow and refused to make eye contact.

"Hey..." I started awkwardly. The tension in the room was too thick, too hard to bear. 
"Hey." She said, still not looking up.
"Can we talk? We left things unfinished a few nights ago. You never bothered to pick up my calls too..." I was still on my feet, standing up, uncomfortable as ever. I hated this. 
"Uh sure, so uhm, I still wanna come with you if that's what your asking. And no, I won't be miserable, cause I have you." She finally looked up at me, sincerity in her words.
"Callie, I understand--"
"Arizona, please stop. My decision is final and you can't tell me otherwise."

I sighed again, not convinced with her answer. 

"I don't want to ruin things for you Callie. I love you too much to do that and I--"
"Christ Arizona! What more do you want? I'm coming with you!"
"But you don't want to! I want you to want it like I do Callie! I don't want you resenting me if you don't like it there! Be reasonable!"
"I am being reasonable! You just want me to say that I don't want to go! Is that it? Is me going with you, willingly, not enough for you?" She said, standing up and slightly towering over my petite frame.  I shuddered. I'm this old and I still hated it when people raised their voice at me. 

She was fuming and was taking deep breaths, obviously trying to calm herself down. It seemed inappropriate considering we are in a middle of a misunderstanding, finding this hot. 

"I can't let you do this Calliope. You deserve to be happy." I smiled through the tears that I didn't know were now flowing freely from my eyes. 
Her eyes too, glistened with tears, a look of defeat graced her face. 
"I am happy, with you. Please stop telling me that I shouldn't go. Arizona, I want to go. I really really wanna go." She pleaded but her eyes said otherwise. 
"Alright. We're going to Malawi for real." I said, faking a smile, just to satisfy Callie.
"Now come here and kiss me. I missed you." That got me to smile, a real smile. 


I  hope things turn out well for us.