𝐐𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐚 𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐚 - Måneskin

Chapter 2 ◌ L'ansia

VICTORIA

On tour, 2021

First just Rome then la nostra Bella Italia. Now The Netherlands, Germany, Poland, Belgium, Russia,... An ongoing list. Europe. Thousands and thousands of people. 

Millions of people, actually. The whole world. It feels like the whole world is watching us. 

"Just breathe," Thomas whispers. I don't know why he is whispering but it isn't working. "It will be okay, everything will be alright, mia sorellina." Damiano says while laying his arm around my shoulders and he pulls me tighter to his body. I don't like it when he calls me his little sister, but I am too exhausted to say something back. I know that if I give in I won't be able to stop crying. 

"I am so- sorry, again," I sputter. There are tears stinging in the corners of my eyes wanting to come out. Thomas bends over a little and takes my head into his hands. Damiano steps back, knowing his duty of hugging me is over. He started acting a little weird around me since things with Marlena and him ended. I feel sorry for him but he damn well knows I can't pick sides. So he just stands there with his arms crossed, waiting and staring aimlessly. 

Thomas looks into my eyes. Looking at the hazel speckles surrounding his pupil calms me. "Starai bene, Victoria. I promise you." He softly strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. 

And then I can't hold my tears in anymore. Minutes of sobbing, sniffing and muttering pass. I am in the arms of my friend so it kinda soothes me. 

But then the screaming starts, I hate that they have to see me like this. Thomas is trying so hard to support me and he even looks out for me. It's super sweet he does all that effort for me. He knows I'm in need of a friend so he's trying to fill that gap for me, knowing it will never be as before because of Marlena and that the way he tries to be a friend would never be the same as she did.  He sees it's hard on me that Marlena left us and that I can't talk about her because of Damiano. He knows Damiano freaks out when someone says her name, he sees the pain in his eyes when we play the songs about her. And I know that's why we stopped playing songs about Marlena once our new album came out. It was Damiano's way to forget her, writing songs about her worked therapeutically, but now 3 years have passed. We all changed a lot in those years but the one thing that didn't change is that Damiano still isn't over her after all those years. Like he's living in the past or something, holding onto something that she broke a long time ago. 

Little does he know how Marlena's feeling at this moment... Or maybe it's better for him that he doesn't know.

Marlena and I used to be the best of friends, I know, the boys have to be my best friends but having a girl-friend around is kinda different than always being surrounded by my guys. They have become i miei fratelli and I know I am like a sister to them. But Marlena was my sister, too. When Damiano wasn't around, she and I used to hang out together. Having little sleepovers and pampering each other, like we were two normal high school girls. We talked and laughed and supported each other. I could talk about my problems to her and she could talk about hers and theirs to me. 

I know she left lots of damage to Damiano. 

When I saw him after their last fight I could see his heart had been shattered, because of her. She left our tough Damiano broken behind. Seeing him in that state broke my heart, too. But still, it felt weird for me because I knew I could never choose between 2 of my bestfriends. Marlena fled and Damiano locked himself in his room for days and then gave us a magnificent song. I always knew he is some lyrical genius but this song just blew us all away. He had thrown all his love into this piece of paper. When he sang it the first time for us, we all saw his pain and we started crying with him. His voice was cracking so much that he didn't even make it to the second verse and his tears faded some words away. His wet hands crumpled the pages, but that didn't matter because he already knew the lyrics by heart. Because it was his heart that had written them. 

I know Ethan and Thomas still don't know the whole story, and me neither but only I know Marlena's side. But at this specific moment, we just felt extremely bad for him. His wave of sadness swallowed the three of us. We all have experienced heartbreak in the past but never like this. Damiano looked like a piece of him had died, taken away by Marlena when she ran away. There was a gaping hole in his heart that never could be filled again properly. She scarred him, damaged the muscle so that it could never beat for anyone else again. His bleeding love spilling over pieces of paper instead of the ink of his pen. 

Quindi Marlena, torna a casa, ché il freddo qua si fa sentire - Quindi Marlena, torna a casa, ché non voglio più aspettare

The pieces of paper he tried to cover his wounds with are now one of our biggest masterpieces.

This song is where we got our first big success in our country. I can't imagine how Marlena felt when she heard this song on the radio. She had heard all the other songs already but this one was new. Even worse for her was that it had become our first hit and millions of people have heard it already. They all know her name without knowing what exactly happened. This song left our audience wondering who Marlena was. 

I haven't heard anything from her in the last 3 years. I don't like to think about her at all because it only makes me sad. And the only one who could fix my sadness was she. She knew exactly what she had to do when I had a panic attack and what to say when I couldn't stop overthinking everything.  It sometimes felt like we were telepathic but now we have lost our connection. And now I really needed Marlena.

"Are you feeling a little better, Vic?" Ethan asks. I hadn't even noticed he has entered the room. I nod, "Yes, actually, thank you all." I look at Damiano, he looks a little sad. "Stai bene? " I ask while trying to put a little smile on my face. But he just looks away and leaves the room. He slams the door, and then the one of the room next to us. And now there's only silence. 

"Did I say something wrong?" I ask, looking at Ethan and Thomas's nervous faces. They look down, simultaneously. 

"He's just scared he'll lose you, too," Thomas says hesitantly, "He-, uhm, has noticed some changes between the two of you since you have your episodes more frequently. He just hopes you are okay." 

"Maybe you should talk to him sometime," Ethan added.

I know why Damiano can't look at me when I'm in this state. When Marlena had her breakdowns: screaming, crying and punching his chest, it must have broken something in him too. We all heard her screaming when she had one of her bad days. Her screams went to the bone, probably breaking his when he stood too close.