𝕒 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕝𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕤 from the pov of Marlena (most of the time, but the other pov's are about her). Marlena is the muse behind the band, mentioned in their album "Il ballo...
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DAMIANO
Summer 2018, Milan
Marlena is like a tornado swirling through the room, ruining everything on her path. And I just sit there, rooted to the spot, I cannot move and I don't dare to breathe. There's so much I wanted to tell her when I came here but there's no point because she won't even hear me. I hear footsteps approaching the room but no one enters, probably my friends wondering what's going on but they know it would be better not to interrupt. Although I'd like them to help me out and at the same time take care of Marlena. They'd know what to say, unlike me because I'm too stunned to speak. And then she grabs my shoulders and shakes them, I flinch but she doesn't back down.
"What has become of us?" she cries. I babble something but it seems like words are stuck in my throat as if my body is resisting to say the things that I'm thinking out loud.
"Damiano...," she sobs but it seems like she's out of speech as well now, so she lays her face against my shoulders. I try to stroke her back, it's just now that I feel how much she's trembling and her heart is racing. "Mi dispiace, amore," she sighs defeated. I shake my head. "No Marlena this is on me, I should have been here instead of leaving you here alone all day. Everyday." Now she looks up. "I -," she stumbles, but tears start streaming again down her face. I take her head in my hands and lay my forehead against hers.
"This is it, isn't it?" she asks, but it doesn't feel like a question. I exhale, but before I can say anything she's talking again: "It feels like I'm always the one hurting you, inventing problems that don't exist." "What do you mean?" I ask softly, but I know exactly what she's saying. I know where she's going now... I try to catch her glance but she's looking away.
"It feels like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe," she says while closing her eyes.
"But I can help, tell me what I need to do and I will," I attempt, but one second after saying it I realize it doesn't matter. She has already decided, I just don't know how she'll bring it on. I'm just trying to stay calm so she won't start freaking out again, I never want to see that again in my life and for sure not when I'm the reason. She said it, I'm hurting her and this life is no good for her. But the thought of losing her feels like I'm at the world's end.
"Dami, what the hell are we doing?"
"I don't know, mia cara."
And that's the truth, I have no idea what to do, how I can fix this.
"Ma ti amo tanto, Marlena," I whisper. She nods, but these words stay floating between us as if she doesn't know what to do with them. Love won't fix this, I know now. I love her so much with all the passion I have in me, but that just feels hopeless at this moment. She caresses my cheeks with the palm of her hand, trying to press a smile on her lips.
"Io farò sempre, but we both know this isn't going to work out. It's a cliché but I think I just have to work on myself as well. And I don't know how but I'm done expecting you to know how, it's not fair to you. I don't want to come between you and your job now you're succeeding and growing. I'm so proud of you, but I feel like I'm standing in your way. I'm like an eclipse, catching your well-deserved sunlight and you only get to see my shadow," she explains with a convinced tone.
Ma Dio, she's so wrong, how can't she see it?
"No no no, don't ever say that again, you're standing in nobody's light. You know you are what brings light to my life, not the fame, not the contests. It's you and it has always been you since the beginning, and I just assumed it would be like that forever. I don't need spotlights and I don't mind standing in your shadow, it's what keeps me on the ground," I say.
"Well, then I hope you understand me when I say that my light has burned out. Don't you see? I can't live like this anymore."
The following silence speaks more than a thousand words. I know what's coming but I'm not ready yet. What does she want me to say to that? She starts crying again, whimpering like a child. I feel tears prickling as well but I'm trying to hide it for her, she must feel so bad already. I just wish I could fix her and I think the only way is letting her go, although that would hurt the shit out of me. My life would be so much less without her.
"I -, I can't breathe," she gasps. "I need air, like now."
She squirms out of my grip and looks me calm in the eye. She stands up and stumbles to the door. Just like that I know that was the last time I would have had her in my arms just by the look on her face.
"Marlena,per favore, non andare. I'm begging you, don't do this to me. Resta con me. Please," I cry out desperately. But it's too late, she steps out of the room. Everything flashes in front of me, the door closing, me jumping up, falling over my own feet, and my friends standing at the door with panicky faces. Still, I don't know why they aren't doing anything. Why isn't anyone stopping her? They damn know I can't lose her, not like this and for sure not at this place.
"Marlena!" I cry, suddenly I'm also out of my breath. My body is in control now, but Ethan's strong arms are holding me back. I repeat her name like 5 times until she's out of our sight. Vic is panicking as well, she's crying in silence. What has she told them? Why aren't they going behind her, Thomas could easily catch her up, she isn't even running.
"No Marlena, no!" I moan, but there's not much power in my voice left. It's only tears that are coming out now. My legs give in and before I know I am on the ground, shivering and weeping with my friends' hands on my back. I am a sniffing pile of sadness and salt tears. A whirlpool of thoughts and feelings is going through me but I'm too tired to do something against it. Before I know it, Ethan and Thomas pick me up and carry me away. At first, I try to resist because I could lay and wait there on the hard ground forevermore waiting for my Marlena to come back. But they know she won't, and I know that as well but it's not coming in yet that I might not see her ever again. My sadness comes in waves and I'd like to drown in it. Ethan opens my door and Thomas softly lays me on the soft covers of my bed. Our bed.
"Try to sleep, Damiano, we'll stay here with you," I hear Vic saying. Her face is expressionless, she's probably waiting to fall apart until I'm far gone in my dreams. So I close my eyes, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I might not be able to sleep for weeks or months because without her it doesn't feel right. I hear my friends whispering against each other. I open one eye a little and squint in a way they won't notice that I'm looking. I see Thomas hugging Vic tight to his chest because now she's finally crying like I knew how it would be: loud, sniffing and heart-breaking. Thomas softly kisses her hair and whispers things in her ear until she calms down a little.
Now I feel even worse that this has an effect on my friends and not only on me because I involved Marlena in our group and now they've lost her as well. Ethan is staring blankly at the ceiling with a frown and he sighs. Then he looks my way and I just know he has seen that I was watching them so I quickly close my eyes. He steps up, pats my back and then he leaves the room. Vic has crashed against Thomas' shoulder and he's still caressing her head now she's sleeping. He has a strange look on his face, not really knowing what to do.
Let's say that's the effect a woman can have on us, making us blackout and lose our senses. I'll have to learn how to make peace with the fact Marlena ran away, I don't know how long that will take but I have no choice. Our fight flashes before my eyes and I still hear what she said over and over again as if there's a voice in my head, maybe I'm going mad. Maybe now I understand what she meant, we were breaking each other. Then I finally fall asleep, the last thing I see is the contours of her sweet face
