Red in my Ledger

Chapter Seventeen

The Avengers gathered around your body.
Bucky was there too, as his wound had been properly taken care of and bandaged.
Bruce had done as much as he could with your countless injuries. He had bandaged your head and cleaned the cuts.
You were dressed in Natasha's clothes: a pair of joggers and a t-shirt.
They had discovered the tattoo on your wrist, but decided not to do anything about it, at least not until you woke up.
"She's going to be okay, right?" Clint asked.
"She's been through worse" Yelena shrugged. "I'm sure she'll survive a minor head injury."
"What do we do when she wakes up?" Steve wondered. "Isn't she just going to attack again?"
"I successfully copied the synthetic gas so when she wakes up, we can use that" Bruce said.
"But she's likely to attack even after that" Tony sighed. "She doesn't want to be here and she probably hates every single one of us. She'll definitely be mad."
"So do we put her back in her cell?" Steve asked.
"I think we should wait until she wakes up" Bruce suggested.
"Hey Nat, are you okay?" Clint asked.
Natasha was quiet. She was staring at your burn scar. You were lying on your back so she couldn't see much, but it extended to the side of your neck. She couldn't take her eyes off it.
"You know that's not your fault" Clint said, putting an arm around her comfortingly.
Natasha looked up at Yelena.
"I'm sorry for never coming back. I said I would. I should've" Nat apologised.
"Yeah it was a pretty shitty thing for you to do. But I don't blame you. You have your life out here with the Avengers" Yelena said.
"So you're not mad?"
"No."
"Well that makes one of you" Nat said, looking back at you.
"She went through a lot of shit after you left" Yelena informed. "Dreykov took a lot of it out on her. He tortured her because he thought she knew where you went."
"She was only eleven when I left" Natasha looked horrified.
Yelena glanced towards her feet, avoiding eye contact as she didn't know what to say.
"The same thing happened when she failed the mission at the Stark party" Yelena subtly looked towards Tony, then back at Natasha. "The punishment wouldn't have been that bad if she hadn't mentioned that you were there. Dreykov just got angrier with her."
"Oh god, this is my fault."
"It's not" Clint assured. "It's Dreykov's. It never would have happened if it wasn't for him."
Natasha picked up one of your hands in both of hers. It was the wrist with the tattoo. She traced it with her finger. She still felt responsible.
As she held your hand, you stirred in your sleep.
All eyes were on you as you slowly opened your eyes.
Then you quickly sat up as you took in your surroundings.
You looked around at everyone, they all looked ready to defend themselves.
Bucky was first to step towards you.
Your eyes stared into his as he got closer.
When he was close enough, you leaped into action.
You jumped off the table towards him and started attacking him.
"Someone get the gas!"
"Hurry!"
"Y/n stop!"
You had picked up a scalpel off the table and were seconds from forcing it into Bucky's neck.
Suddenly, red gas was thrown into your face.
You stepped back for a second, blinking it out of your eyes.
But you instantly glared back at Bucky and continued to attack him.
"Why didn't that work?!"
"Y/n!"
"Help stop her!"
As the others yelled around you, you forced yourself back towards Bucky. He knocked the scalpel out of your hand. You punched him in the jaw, then kneed him in the stomach. He was trying his best to defend himself without hurting you. He was losing.
Eventually, Steve and Tony managed to get a hold of both your arms. To everyone's surprise, you quickly gave up and let them drag you back.
"Why the hell didn't that work?" Bucky asked.
Then he noticed the tears collecting in your eyes. He hadn't seen you cry in so long, he knew something was wrong.
"It was you" you whispered. "It was all you. You did this to me. It's all your fault."
Bucky looked away guilty as he realised that you knew.
"Everything happened to me because of you! It was all your fault- LET GO OF ME!" you ripped your arms away from Tony and Steve.
But you didn't attack Bucky again. You stepped towards him slowly.
"Y/n please. You know I had no choice."
You were standing so close to him now that you had to tilt your head upwards to face him. By now, the tears were streaming silently down your face.
"You knew this entire time" your voice broke. "And you didn't tell me."
"I'm sorry."
He looked down at you. Your lip was trembling, you were moments away from breaking down. He felt horrible.
He slowly reached his arms around your back, and when you didn't resist he pulled you closer to him.
Your face buried into his chest and you started sobbing. He could feel the tears soak through your T-shirt.
He rested his chin on the top of your head and let his own tears fall.
You felt them drop into your hair but you didn't care.
You just wanted to be with your best friend. Even if you were only friends because he felt guilty. At least he cared. No one else did.
"So it did work?" Steve questioned.
"I think so" Nat said.
"What was y/n talking about? It was his fault, what happened?" Tony asked.
Bucky didn't move, but he looked up at Tony. He was still crying as he apologised:
"Tony I'm so sorry."
"Why? What-" Tony stopped as he think he understood.
"Hydra made me. I'm sorry. You don't understand how much I really wish I hadn't" Bucky looked back down at you. You were still crying.
Tony was motionless. For years, he believed his parents died in a car crash. Now he was told that this man killed them. This man took his sister when you were only ten weeks old. This man clearly ruined your life. But he was also somehow the one person that seemed to make it bearable.
Bucky was the one person in your life that helped you cope with everything.
Tony realised that. So he didn't know how to feel.
"You killed my mom" he muttered. "You took my sister away from me."
"Tony it wasn't him" Steve reminded him.
Tony stepped slowly towards Bucky.
Bucky held you tighter.
Then Tony walked straight past him and left the room.
"Y/n..." Natasha came up behind you.
Bucky dropped his arms to stop hugging you but you didn't move.
He stepped away slightly.
As you could see more of him, you saw the blood stain on his shirt.
You remembered what happened at the Red Room.
You cried more.
"I- I shot you."
Bucky had never seen you cry this much. It was as though you were crying for all the times you had stopped yourself crying in the past.
"It's okay. I'm okay. I promise."
"N-no I hurt you. I could've killed you. I- I'm sorry."
"Y/n I'm fine."
"I want to stop. I can't- I don't want to... I fucking shot you, that's not okay. I w-want to stop."
"Stop what?"
"Everything. I- I shot you..." you started sobbing again.
Natasha reached out and placed her hand on your shoulder.
You flinched and turned to punch her on reflex, but Bucky grabbed your elbow.
"I'm sorry" you cried.
You were embarrassed of how much you were crying, so you decided to sprint out the room.
The others expected Natasha or Bucky to follow you, but neither of them did.
"You're not going after her?" Steve enquired.
"She needs a minute" Natasha said, and Bucky nodded in agreement.