A Secret Man of Blood

Bonus Material: Sig Speaks 3

Author's note: this is a bonus chapter, written with amusement in mind, and is not an actual continuation of the story. When it comes to competitions or awards, chapters labelled "Bonus Material" should not be judged as part of the story. Thanks for reading.

***

"So, Sig, you've adopted a dog," Gary says. "But why a dog rather than a cat?"

"Whenever you see homeless people on the street, they often have dogs but none of them ever have cats. Why? Cats don't stick around when you're homeless! They ditch you at the first sign of trouble."

"I like how you make insanity sound like a system. I think your friend's found a bone," Gary adds, pointing down to where Sig's dog is licking his own crotch.

"Hey, stop that!" Sig complains.

Stopping for a moment, the dog looks up at Sig, almost seems to shrug and thinks to itself I'll stop doing it when you stop doing it, then resumes licking.

Gary picks up Sig, who's bent over trying to lick his own crotch. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing awkward!"

"...Okay."

Sig has a proposal. "Maybe we should keep what I was trying to do between ourselves? I wouldn't want it to tarnish my reputation."

"Don't worry. Your reputation's waaay worse than this. Certainly with the council of Elrond..."

*

"I've called you here today to answer the threat of Mordor," Elrond tells the assembled representatives in Rivendell.

Sig looks around at all the faces of the council. "...Where are all the black people?"

Elrond answers with a smile, though he's clearly irritated. "We'll take questions after the meeting."

"Of course, of course," Sig nods understandingly, looking around at all the faces of the council. "...Where are all the women?"

"Right, that's it!" Elrond launches himself at Sig, starting a fracas that lasts about half an hour.

Once everything has settled down again, it's decided that Sig will carry the ring and Elrond indicates he should approach. "Step forward, ringbearer."

"What did you just call me?"

"I said you're the ringbearer."

Sig sighs heavily. "Fine, I'll be the ringbearer this time but I expect you to give me a reach-around while you're doing it."

"...What?"

After Sig has had the concept of a ringbearer explained to him, a fellowship is formed.

Aragorn steps forward and tells Sig. "You have my sword.

"And my bow," says Legolas.

"And my axe," Gimli adds.

"And you have my wallet!" Gandalf complains.

"Calm down! Most of your money's still there," Sig replies, then turns to Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli. "And I'll return your weapons soon: I needed ones with other people's fingerprints on them—er, I mean I'm using them for research!"

*

"They couldn't take my in-your-face views," Sig insists. "I shoot from the hip."

"You'll never hit anything: that's too low." At a look from Sig, Gary swiftly changes the subject. "So, anyway, some basic background info on the Samarian Empire: think a cross between the British Empire and the modern-day United States. Ten nations with a total population of roughly 320 million, mostly humans (about 200 million,) Elves (50 million,) Zerraxians (about 6 million,) Dwarves and, in the far east, various other races like Gamuks, Quirrels, etc, that don't feature in the first book because it's intended to establish some of the characters and conflicts. By the way, Zerraxians are reptile-like people who can breathe underwater and form an important part of the Samarian Navy—think the Argonians from Elder Scrolls; there are major differences, but that's the closest comparison I can think of."

Sig interrupts. "I learned all this back when I was in short shorts."

There's an awkward silence.

"...You mean when you were a kid?"

"No. It was last week. I was going through a phase. I might go back to it soon, actually, because I don't think I've fully explored the potential of short shorts. I have so much more to learn...and so much more to show."

With a shiver, Gary continues. "Anyway, a lot of the political or world-building elements of the story are based on my study of various cultures—"

"Don't act the smart-arse just because you went to university. It's easy to get qualifications these days...as I told my three-year-old nephew, Professor Benji."

"That was beautiful. It's a shame I know you don't have a three-year-old nephew."

"...You could write one for me?

"Na—you'd just hunt him for sport. Anyway, as I was saying, real world political influences: the Scrovengi—"

"I admire the Scrovengi," Sig muses. "Despite their jingoistic, fascist tendencies."

"...Or perhaps because of them?"

"Very funny, dickhead," Sig chortles. "If only you'd worked more of that breadknife-sharp wit into the story."

"Anyway, the Scrovengi are not meant to be typical 'bad guys,' because, as is mentioned in the story, they've actually been a powerful but isolationist race for tens of thousands of years, but in the first book you only get to see the absolute knife edge of their military advance, which would reflect badly on any society if you only witnessed the most extreme elements of their military.

"The Spider, head of the Samarian intelligence service, and the Samarians more generally have been the primary power in world affairs for six-hundred years, but now some sort of alien force is interfering out of the public eye and, at the same time, various geopolitical events occur (the Scrovengi invasion of the Jade Empire, the Night Elves attacking Tyria, and others that won't be explored until Book Two) that suggest a coordinated plot to challenge the current world order. Thus far we've mostly seen it from the Samarian side, defending the status quo, but as the plot develops other viewpoints will no doubt come into play."

"Not if I can help it," Sig insists.

"Here," Gary says, sprinkling something into Sig's hand. "Take these magic beans, plant them, wait for the beanstalk to grow and defeat the giant at the top of it."

"Alright...this isn't some weird cultural reference from your world that I'm not going to get, is it?"

"...No, no, no—it's a real thing that people from Earth do all the time."

With the enthusiasm of a puppy, Sig runs away to find a place to bury his "magic beans."

"...Shall I just look after your dog, then?" Gary asks, but the Dwarf is long gone, so Gary turns to the reader. "I was wondering how you guys go about the writing process. Do you begin with a theme, and then work your characters and story around a central idea? Or is the foundation of your story the characters, with story/themes developing from them? I didn't have a choice, because to amuse myself I imagined the history of the fictional world and its cultures long before I ever thought of writing anything down, so it was a bit like writing a historical story already knowing what happens in the Second World War but coming up with individual stories/characters to mesh with the larger events."