The Killer Among Us

Chapter 44

Two days left

Jacob

There were a few things I needed to get in order before I was ready to lay down my life. First, I wanted to go see my mother. So, I drove to her house early in the morning with mixed feelings brewing in me. Whilst my relationship with my mother was always problematic and she never showed her love for me, I still respected her beyond measure. Throughout the hardships of my life, I began to understand that the loss she endured changed her fundamentally and I, more than anyone, knew exactly how transforming loss could be.

If my dad loved her, or at least the person she was before his passing, then there was something marvellous and incredible in her. That is at least what I told myself when she would come home after being gone for weeks on end, when she paraded with numerous lovers around town or when she forgot my birthdays.

Standing in front of my childhood home, I decided to swallow all the unresolved feelings between the two of us. Deep down, I knew I wasn't equipped to handle yet another loss.

Gregg opened the door slowly, exhaustion evident on his stubbled face. He relaxed a little when he recognized me but the frown line on his forehead never faded. Without a word, I entered the home and almost started crying at the smell that hit me.

It smelled like childhood, like forgotten days, better days. Disbelief filled me when I thought back to how I desperately craved to get out of this town. Leaving was not an option for me anymore. I knew that now and couldn't help but imagine what my grave might look like. In my darkest fantasies my headstone read, "Born and died in Carlisle. Never accomplished anything." What would people say about me after I ceased to exist? I could already hear them saying, "The best thing he ever did was dying."

Carefully, Gregg put his hand on my shoulder and led me into the living room, where my mother sat by herself.

Through all the terrible moments that I witnessed; I've never seen her so morose. She was sitting in the corner, simply staring at the snowy television screen, the light buzz echoed through the room. There was no light in her eyes, no hope. When she turned her and saw me, I saw a faint glimmer of hope. Hope that it would be Aria entering the room and not me, the son she never cared for, the constant reminder of her dead husband.

That hope was immediately crushed by the heavy disappointment that it was me, not her beloved daughter.

No, when she saw me, all she really saw was disappointment and I don't blame her for it. In a way, that was exactly what I saw when I looked into a mirror.

Slowly, I approached her and sat opposite her on a chair that Gregg placed there for me. Her gaze was focused in my direction and yet it seemed like she didn't see me, as if she was looking straight through me.

Hesitantly, I began to speak, "Hey mother, I - " I turned and looked at Gregg, who gave me a supportive nod, "I am here because I need to tell you something."

I heard Gregg's footsteps leaving the room and I appreciated the privacy he gave us.

My mother didn't respond, so I continued. "Look, something will happen tomorrow," I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, "Uh - I can't tell you what and I can't tell you why, but I wanted you to be prepared."

Slowly but surely, her eyes found mine and she looked at me with curiosity.

"People will come to you tomorrow," I was getting a little more animated, "They will ask questions and - and they will tell you things about me."

I paused for a moment, hating myself for not being able to explain to her why her son was murdered or why he took the life of an innocent girl.

"Things that might change everything. But I want you to know- " I almost told her that I loved her, when I changed the course of my sentence, "I want you to know that whatever they say, it doesn't matter."

I thought long and hard whether I should tell her what I said next, but I deemed it would be cruel not to. "It won't matter because you'll have her back."

Realisation hit her and she grabbed my hand, tears welling up in her eyes. With a hoarse voice she uttered my name and I nodded, reiterating that I was speaking the truth.

My throat tightened and I reassured her, "Aria will be back, alive and safe."

I reached into my pocket and retrieved a note that I had spent all night writing, a letter explaining to her all the things that I couldn't tell her in the moment. It was my last goodbye to her, like a truce between the two of us, creating a bridge for her and Aria's relationship.

Unsure what else to do, I placed it in her hand and slowly rose. Then I planted a soft kiss on her forehead and whispered to her one last time, "You'll have her back. Read this letter when it's all over."

Then, with a heavy heart, I made my way out of the room, concentrating on placing one foot in front of the other instead of the lingering doubts that were spooking in my mind.

To my surprise, my mother called after me, "Jacob?"

I turned around and looked at her.

"Thank you," she said softly. A small smile appeared on my lips as I looked at her for the last time. It was ever so faint, just a twitching muscle. Then, I left the room and made my way outside, knowing that I had just said goodbye to my mother forever.

Deep down I convinced myself that I was blessed to be able to say goodbye to her at all. Most people weren't that lucky.