Balance, Baby

Chapter 31

I was staring at the ceiling, Elijah's scent filling the room. I turned to look at him, he was probably falling asleep, eyes shut softly.  I looked over his features, sighing slightly. But it was enough to make his eyes open, he turned his head to the side.

"What? You wanna go again or something?" He smirked at me.

"No, I'm fine. I mean if you want to, I'm down. I was just thinking," I replied.

His eyebrows furrowed, "What about?"

"Tell me how you feel about me. Like honestly, don't hold back. I know what we had agreed to, I know the situation we're in. That's not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about your personal feelings," I explained.

He sighed and looked at the ceiling, "Okay. Well, I'm glad I met you. You're probably my favorite part about life lately, and that's kind of scary. All this shit going on with Judah and you arguing with my sister, it makes me worry that you and I will end up parting ways. I'm fine with not sleeping together anymore, I actually kind of hope you and Judah work things out. But if he hurts you again, I might beat his ass. Anyway, you make me happy. You're honest and funny. You're smart and sweet. I kind of love you Kyleigh. You make stuff brighter. Does that make sense?" He turned back to look at me.

"I think so," I laid flat on my back again, "I kind of love you too, man."

"You know," He paused, "I've never asked you how you feel about me."

"That's true. You wanna know?" I laughed, "I'll spill my guts."

He laughed, "Why not?"

"So, I used you as a sort of escape for a while. We both know that. But sometimes, I wish I didn't. After finding out about how your last relationship went, I felt guilty and selfish. You're great, I absolutely adore you. The same way you say I'm the best part about your life, you're the best part about mine. For a long time you've been the one thing I've always looked forward to. I'm okay with us not sleeping together anymore too, but I want you to stick around. I love the energy you radiate, you're so funny and carefree. You're open in any situation and you're spontaneous as fuck. You took me out of my darkest places, and I could never repay you for that. I'm beyond grateful for you. I cherish you," I turned my head to see him already looking at me. He blinked a few times before looking downward. I furrowed my eyebrows dubiously. Unsure if I should say something else or wait for his response.

"Kyleigh, you've never had feelings for me. Is that accurate?" He asked, looking back into my eyes.

I thought about it, realizing I never gave the idea much thought. I didn't really feel like starting now, "I was never in a place to allow myself to think about that. I honestly don't know. I never wanted to have feelings for anyone again, so even if I did, I would've pushed it so far back I wouldn't really notice."

"Think about it now," He insisted.

I took a deep breath, looking at the ceiling. I tried to push myself to analyze what the feelings inside of me could mean. If anything that he made me feel had correlated to emotional ties to him. One thought raced around in circles. The slight pang in my chest every time he denied a kiss. So I decided to ask him, "Why have you never kissed me?"

"To me, kisses are a testament of emotional intimacy," He relied.

"So, you'll only kiss someone that you have feelings for?" I asked.

"Not just that, it has to be mutual. There has to be a reason. Mutual vulnerability, mutual emotional connection, and obviously the mutual desire to," He shrugged.

"You don't think we've ever checked all those boxes?" I laughed softly.

"That's kind of what I'm trying to figure out," He admitted.