I always lose

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I feel someone's hands wrap around me, pulling me back to my feet.

But I can't breathe, I can't focus my eyes on the person helping me because I'm just too numb, too unbearably hurt.

And I hear a voice, a familiar voice that I just can't make out because it was almost entirely blocked out by the voices and distorted memories flooding my mind.

My brother, dead. Crushed by a building.

And despite everything, the last memory I have of him was his eyes. His beautiful eyes that were so dull and lifeless even before his life came to an end.

They would haunt me till the day I die.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It should of been me.

They won't remember you

They won't remember you

The only thing blocking out these thought were screams, my own screams that I bet were so ear-piercing, so unbearable I'm surprised the person didn't let go.

Greyson was the brother I loved to dearly I would of done anything for him, anything to keep my brother with me.

I love him so much it hurts.

Everything hurts too much and it's not fair.

It's not fair that he died instead of me and it's not fair that I had to watch.

That was the last thought that sprang my mind before I was overtaken by darkness.

I really wish I could stay in that darkness.

______________________

I woke up in an unfamiliar bed.

Surrounded by a familiar gaze and familiar scents.

"Tyler?" I breathe out

"You're finally awake" he says, smiling weakly

He never smiles.

"How long have I been out for?" I ask

"3 days"

I feel my eyes widen "What?"

Instead of saying anything, he sits on the edge of the bed.

All the memories rush back through my mind, I force myself out from underneath the covers. Fighting so hard for the tears to not fall down my face again.

"How many?"

I could tell he knew exactly what I meant but he didn't respond. Instead he just stared at me, too much I felt exposed to his gaze.

"How many what?" He asks

Oh he knows exactly what I mean.

"How many casualties? How many people did I kill?" I say

Well that's something I never thought I'd say.

"47" he says

My jaw drops

"Oh my god"

"And how many casualties from the fire?" I ask

He pauses.

"How many?"

"52 dead, 72 injured"

Now I pause.

"How did you do that?" He finally asks

"How did I do what?" I ask knowing exactly what he's referring to. And he knows it to.

He stares at me for a moment before answering "How did you do it"

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