Grabbing the bottle of pills I had in my medicine cabinet, determined to stop my mind.
I walked into my bathroom and sat on the toilet, pouring a handful into my hand I whispered "Josh if you are there I'm sorry" opening my mouth and pouring the pills in.
I sat there for a few minutes, my mind started to fade away.
The next morning I woke up laying on my side on the bathroom flow, vomit in my hair, all over my clothes. I had a splitting headache and felt weak, remembering what I did regret set in.
"What was I thinking?" How could I be so weak that I turned to this? Who would of found me if i succeeded?
My mind flashed to my girls, this was the dumbest mistake I've ever done!
Sitting on my bathroom floor i said to myself "I need help!" This isn't me, this is not what my life is supposed to be like.
Turning on the shower, I took off the vomit covered clothes and stepped into the shower. Crying and blaming myself for my poor actions the night before.
When I stepped out of the shower my stomach turned again, I rushed to the toilet and threw up once more.
Sitting there crying "how could I be so stupid?" I grabbed some water and heated up some soup to gain my strength back, I cleaned up the mess from the night before, still feeling woozy I called my friend.
"Hello" she answered sounding a little sleepy as if she just woke up "I did something stupid" I said with my raspy voice. "Are you ok? You sound off" she replied "I think I overdosed" that's when the phone call went silent "you need to get your shit together!" She said in a concerned voice "I know, I feel so weak minded" said then I asked "what therapist do you go to? I need to get help"
She gave me all the information she had to start going to therapy and I followed up on it. That day I called the number she gave me and started the steps to get the help the I desperately needed.
This was an eye opener for me, I didn't want to die but in that weak moment I couldn't think of another way to stop my mind.
I didn't want to be put on any medication that would make my grief numb, I wanted to grieve this, to get over it, not to numb it.
I walked outside and noticed some orange butterflies flying around me and for some reason it felt like Josh was with me, as if the butterflies was him. I know that sounds goofy but it gave me peace.
It felt like a weight was lifted from me, a sudden sense of relief or calmness came over me. "I'm taking my life back!"
With that thought in my mind, I had to live my life again and not be this person who I don't even know anymore.
I was invited out to eat with some friends, instead of declining I decided to go.
Once that night came we all met up and rode together to the restaurant, they was being goofy, dancing around and singing in the car. For the first time in a while I laughed a real laugh, i realized what was happening i felt a little guilty for having fun. My friend looked at me and said "it's ok to laugh, it's ok to live, you are still alive, it's OK".
In that moment that was exactly what I needed to hear.
That night was the first time I felt like I was going to be ok after all, life has a weird way of making you appreciate what you have.
As time went on I started going to therapy, I was being treated for ptsd, chronic anxiety and depression. I started drawing again, something that helped my mind be occupied. The dreams was still there, the memories was still haunting me, I had to make myself push through them.
I had a void that couldn't be filled, I started talking to my friends more and they thought it would help me to get out in the dating world again but my heart was still with Josh.
I can't imagine dating anybody right now, I need to work on myself and get past this.
I didn't plan on dating again for a while, it had only been a couple months since Josh passed at this time.
One night i was asked to hang out with one of my guy friends and I agreed not thinking anything of it. He came to my place, we talked awhile and it felt good to have someone there to goof off with but it still wasn't what I was looking for.
We both had our own issues in life so we started becoming close over time and I was smiling more often, it wasn't the best way to move forward but I felt somewhat normal when he was around.
It was kinda what I needed in that moment, but by being around him more often people was turning their backs on me because it was to soon.
I just wanted to feel ok again, it didn't change the fact that I loved Josh, it didn't mean that I was moving on, I was lonely and just wanted someone there.
Seeing my friends with their husbands and hearing them tell me I didn't need someone made me look at them as if they was being hypocritical.
How could they tell me to live a life alone? As they fell asleep next to someone every night, I just wanted someone to turn to, someone that could make me feel like I wasn't alone.
I started to sleep better, I wasn't thinking about the accident as much, my mind was clearer than it had been since the tragedy happened.
If I'm wrong for wanting to feel happy again in my own way then so be it. My friends who I thought was my friends would of understood and wanted to see me in a better mindset. But that wasn't the case, it was almost like they wanted to see me suffering In a way, or at least that's was what I thought.
It was hard to be around couples and to see them loving on each other, I felt envious because that was took from me.
If I can have someone in my life as I grieve, people will have to get over it and let me make my own decisions!
