Going around some people became hard, always feeling like the third wheel, I was just wanting to feel something besides a lonely empty person.
I had this void that nothing could fill, I was tired of feeling sad, it became a permanent feeling and it was hurting me to much.
With this person I felt somewhat normal it wasn't about the person, it was the fact that I wasn't as sad now.
I felt like my days went by easier. I was sleeping more, I was able to eat full meals again.
For others to judge me on my life that's on them, I did what I had to, to bring myself back to life again. Being in the small town that we grew up in, everyone knows everything about everybody so gossip travels fast.
Some of the things I heard about myself was just unreal, people I thought was my friends became my enemies.
It hurt to know that they would turn on me for just wanting to feel normal and not have to fake a smile, everyone was telling me how to live my life when they have everything in their life and being mad at me for wanting the same wholeness they had at home to me was a slap in the face. I just wished they would understand that I'm in a better mindset lately.
While I'm around this person that I'm getting somewhat close to I feel weightless like I can finally breathe, the chaos in my mind was silent. it wasn't long before that was gone, things ended between us and I didn't have the escape anymore.
That was basically what it was for me, an escape from my mental torture. Being hurt again was painful but a wake up call in the same sense, I can't depend on anyone else for my own happiness.
I started living for me, still grieving and still hurt, it pushed me to work more and to do things in my life that benefited me and my girls
I changed into something new, my heart carried baggage from from my childhood until now. I trusted no one, my walls was built brick by brick.
The pain caused me to shut out most the world, when it comes to men, I couldn't feel a thing for anyone.
One day I was getting ready for work at my new job, I met some of the workers there and became friends with them already, so on this day my babysitter called and she told me she couldn't babysit for me anymore 30 minutes before I had to leave to bring my girls to her.
Being stressed I called one of the guys at work that I was friends with and he told him i didn't know if I could find anyone to fill my spot. "Give me a minute and I'll call you back" he said I was wondering what he was doing and my phone started ringing "what's up?" I answered "bring the girls to my house my niece will watch them" he replied.
I went to his house before and hung out with him and his niece so I knew I could trust her with my girls. She was 15 and was really good with my kids so I agree and hurried out the door.
Once I got there I thanked her for being a life saver, kissed the girls goodbye then headed out the door.
That became a daily thing and over time I became good friends with her, I seen somewhat of my younger self in her and start looking at her more in a little sister kind of way, she became the person I trusted the most, I could tell her everything and not feel like I was being judged or talked about when I left the room. In a way I needed her in my life, I felt like I actually had a true friend.
Even when I wasn't working I would go to her house, I was always asking her to go places with me so I didn't have to feel alone.
My life was back to feeling ok, I still missed coming home to someone everyday, I missed complaining about my work day to someone at night before going to bed, I know that is something weird to miss but those are the things we take for granted.
Those little moments need to be held close to our hearts, one day they will all be a memory and all that's left behind.
Days passed by easier again, nights was hard but I was getting through them.
Some guys was trying to date me but my feelings was numbs to any intimacy, it felt like I became heartless and it was all a game to me.
I didn't care at all what the men felt, most men ended up hurting me when I cared. Not anymore, I refuse to let another man in close enough to hurt me.
When I get close to people something comes and rips them out of my hands, so what's the point anymore?
