Wall of Shadows

Chapter 8

 Holy shit, were the first words that came out of my mouth.

 My voice quivered, "You're lying."

 I pleaded to all the gods I knew that this was just some stupid prank. Ezra didn't reply. He just stared at me. I knew though, that he was right. That's why she hasn't come back. Oh gods. She'd been stuck out there for almost two years. No no no no no—

 I tasted blood, when my teeth pierced my lip. I was speechless, sagging mutely against Ezra.

 Minutes, or possibly hours passed, before he spoke. "I told you, I'm here to protect you... from meeting a fate like your sisters."

 "Why?" The word sounded so small. I felt small.

 Ezra hesitated for a moment, before meeting my gaze with full force. "I will help you find Rhea," he vowed.

 What?!

 My shoulders trembled at the statement. At the utter confidence with which he'd spoken. "How?" I breathed, "It's a death trap out there." My hopes for Rhea sank even lower once I said it.

 "No, it isn't. Not if you know how to navigate it."

 "And you do?" I demanded incredulously.

 If it were possible, he seemed to look even more grim. "Yes. I... I lived beyond the Wall for... a while."

 I was really starting to think I had a hearing problem. This was not happening. It couldn't be. I would wake up any second to Mouse meowing for more kibble, and then I would go with Phaenna and Elli to the Market, and everything would be fine.

 I pinched myself. Hard.

 "Ouch," I winced. Oh, gods.

 Panic settled in. I pinched myself again. Okay, this was really happening. B—but I couldn't cross the Wall. It just wasn't done. And Rhea was out there.... Who knew what was happening to her? What may have already happened? I vomited over the ledge.

 "It's okay," Ezra murmured, patting my back. But nothing was okay. Another wave of nausea hit. "You don't have to decide anything right now."

 I nodded weakly, wiping my mouth.

 He pulled me back into his warmth, but I didn't stop shivering.

~

 Phaenna had called me about twenty-seven times over the next day. I never answered. I was thinking, after all. Mouse purred, brushing against my legs, while I made my bed. Cleaning helped me think. And avoid thinking. I'd already mopped and swept twice, re-made the two beds in the house, and re-organised the entire place.

 I drummed my fingers on the mattress. What do I do?

 I wanted to help Rhea, so badly. But I was afraid, and I hated it. I felt like jumping off a cliff, like that would do anyone any favors. I'd think about it later, guilt surging through me. I had time... But maybe Rhea didn't.

 A sigh escaped my lips. I couldn't decide anything right now. Henosis was in two days... and, as much as I despised and didn't dive a single shit about the holiday, skipping would not be an option. It was the only day of the year when security was actually tight, when people actually caught glimpses of the shiny uniforms the Regulate soldiers wore.

 There would be no escaping the ball.

 I went into my wardrobe, if not just to give myself something to do. I turned in a slow circle, taking in all the clothes, most of which I hadn't worn in years.