The courting trap

Something New

Tomorrow is the day. Yesterday and today were all about preparing for the ceremony, it's been hard to avoid him, but I tried. Haven't said a word to him since, except if I had to when practicing the "I will's".

With each passing minute that the day comes closer, I feel more and more sick.

I just had yet another dress fitting. Everything has been arranged now.

I'm with Estelle in the library, we're sitting in the windowsill, trying to get distracted by some books, but failing. All I see when I close my eyes is Nicholas. He haunts me. I keep rereading the same sentences over and over again, I have no clue what this book is about and I am half way through.

Today I received my something old which was my mother's wedding veil, something blue which is blue beaded bracelet and something borrowed which as a family heirloom, a pearl necklace. The only thing missing is something new and I have a feeling Estelle is going to give it to me. "So..." I close my book, Estelle looks up from hers. "I still need to find my 'something new', you have an idea?"

"I do actually." She closes her book and put it down. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, wait here please." She gets up and hurries out of the library.

My attention goes to a knock on the door, mother walks in. "I have to explain something to you, about the wedding night."

I will spare you the detail, I will just say it was a very uneasy conversation.

Minutes later Estelle walks back in when mother's gone, she hides something behind her back. She closes the door after herself and sits down on the windowsill in front of me.

"I really hope you never have to use this, but I feel better when I know you are somehow able to defend yourself when there's no one with you." She reveals the item. It's a beautifully decorated dagger with a thigh strap.

It makes me sad to think I might be so unsafe with him, it could be necessary to defend myself. "Thank you." I hug her, "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." I whisper in her ear.

"I will always worry about you." She separates us and holds me at arm-length.

"I know." I laugh.

Noon soon turned into night and I went to sleep, but not really. I laid in bed with my eyes closed, I didn't sleep at all.

Tears uncontrollably fell from my eyes, I must have soaked my pillow.

When I woke up the next morning I scared myself when looking into the mirror. My eyes were swollen and I look so unhappy, because I simply am unhappy.

Estelle was already fully dressed when she was helping me with my hair, it was more tangled than usual and I had to bite my tongue a few times to refrain myself from yelping.

Then mother stormed in my room with a dozen maids surrounding her.

It all started feeling so real now, they had to keep redoing my make up since I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

They then had to get me into my thousand-layered wedding dress, which was so big it occupied most of my chamber. It was so heavy and my corset was squeezing me together. I felt so hot, I could barely breathe and the fabric felt excruciatingly uncomfortable on my skin, it clamped onto me like I was becoming one with it. It started feeling like the clothes were wearing me, the weight withholding me from running away from it all.

Mother puts on the necklace that's our family heirloom, normally hidden away from everyone. She then puts on my veil and I turn around to look in the mirror and I start shaking. "I can't do this mother." My voice trembles.

"Do it for your people." She says harshly, not giving me the motherly comfort I hoped she would.

I want to say I hugely doubt Nicholas would be any good to my people, but I keep my mouth shut. It feels exhausting to talk.

The whole time nobody leaves me alone, they won't let me out of their sight. I suppose it is due to their fear I would run off. In full honesty, I probably would. If I could I would run away with Estelle, find Willow and ride off into the sunset. I would not look back.

Sadly, because I'm a princess I can't make my own decisions. My life is not my life. My soul not my soul. I am property. Given away from one man to the other, like an object. I was born just for this, this is my only purpose in life as an heir to the throne. Everything in my life has let up to this day. All the classes and life lessons, all preparation for my husband, never because they had my interest. I don't think my mother has ever let me do anything, just because I thought it would be fun.

I am afraid that when I am a wife, people will see my husband and I as one. And they will no longer ask my opinion, only his. That he will decide for me, without taking my wanting in consideration. Almost like a doll he can pick up and move wherever he wants, that he can play with whenever he wants. Who just smiles and does what he says, but that's not me. I would never willingly say 'I will' to a life like that, yet I am forced. Forced to be miserable for the rest of my days, due to me being a woman.

I feel dizzy and start to loose my balance, ten pairs of hands grab me to stabilise me. They all burn on my skin, they almost seem like restraints instead of helping hands.

I sit down, and the room starts spinning. "Victoria?" My father opens the door. "It is time,  dear." He reaches out to help me up. He says something like 'you look beautiful' but I am too in my head to hear what he says exactly.

My father is the only man I have met that doesn't try to completely overtake his wife. He actually does what mother asks of him most of the time, instead of the other way around it usually is.

Estelle holds the trail of my dress as we await in front of the double doors. My heart is in my throat. I squeeze my fathers arm. "It will be okay." He says as he holds his composure.

"It won't father." A tear rolls down my cheek.

As soon as the doors open my freedom will be given away. I feel helpless.

The creek of the door handles going down makes my anxiety ten times worse. I start to hyperventilate, I can't do this.