King of my heart

part 10-love

I'm in Nate's car and I start to think about the message I saw- or rather the notification I saw- and I can't mind anything other than betrayal but it's too soon to think about this kind of things.
We aren't even a couple but I feel like we actually could be one. I may think I'm in love with Nate although we have only been getting closer for a few days, I feel like I have a deeper connection with him than I could have ever imagined.
Every time he touches me and makes me shiver with those cold hands of his it's as if a delicate feather rests on me to make me feel the sweetness he can possess. I feel like this message is a possibility for me to understand he's not good for me since the beginning, before every kind of love commitment too great to control.

Nate enters the car and sits on the seat. After putting the car keys in, he kisses me on the lips but I don't react remaining impassive. I'm too shocked to stay in that kiss.
"What?" he asks me worried as he receives my strange imperceptibility.
"Oh nothing. Why?" I say not too convincing, not even to convince myself.
"C'mon Rachel we don't do this tell me what's wrong" I am in trouble, I have too much things to tell him and not even one would make him feel proud of us or about our love but I can't not tell him what it's right for everyone.
"Ok you wanna know what's wrong? First you should tell me why you're still in contact with Camila and I'm not acting like a crazy jealous girl! Point two: I'm going through a breakup and I'm already in a semi-relationship that doesn't know where it wants to go. Gosh Nate what am I doing? It's not right for me, for Lucas and neither for you." I scream all my last thoughts in his face but fail to tell him how much I love him in this situation. He looks at me disoriented and amazed. He probably believed everything was perfect, just like me. That message regardless of what it meant took away a lot of my confidence and trust making some things boil over in me that I was trying to suppress so as not to ruin everything.
"So you're basically telling me that you don't want to be with me because your fucking breakup with lil Lucas was too hard to elaborate even if you dumped him without hesitation while looking ME in the eyes? Come on, the whole city knows by now that you want me more than anything. Don't act like a goody-goody, I don't believe it." He says teasingly and with an accusatory tone that I hate. I'm blushing, I feel blamed but on the other hand he's right and I can't do anything about it. I have a very heavy ace up my sleeve and I'm quite afraid to use it but I don't care it's going too far making me look like a double agent like this.
"Nate this relationship between me and yah... you're acting just like your father-" I say unable to look him in the eyes. I hit a sweet spot.
He stops me immediately saying "Rachel why? Why do you have to do this? What do you know about my father? Fuck you" and quickly gets out of the car gesticulating and shouting. I can't blame him, it's my fault. So I quickly get out of the car and follow him even though he yells at me to leave him alone.
"Nate stop! I didn't mean that I was just angry! I'm sorry forgive me..." I shout to get his attention and his forgiveness. Nate ignores me not even caring what I'm saying and what hurts the most is that he's right. I've gone too far.
"I love you!" comes out of my mouth, or rather from my heart. I didn't even realize I said it before he was rushing towards me with tears on his face. I run a hand over his face, blinking away his tears as he looks to the side.
"I love you too" he tells me. I try to kiss him but he pulls away. "I love you and you know it but we can't stay like this. Rachel leave me alone we have to move on we can't function together." He cries and that's the first time I see him doing that. I cry again and again trying to catch my breath before yelling out of my soul my love and my fucking pain. He runs into the house crying and I feel guilty like never before as I collapse next to the car. I lost him. I lost him, I can't handle it now or never. What have I done?
I'm too sad to try to understand those feelings all wrapping my heart, my soul, my mind. The dominant one is the betrayal. From me, not from him this time. Plot twist huh?

I'm in my room. I called Brooke and she stayed with me these two days. She's always there for me I love her. Nate ignored me and tried to escape me every time I spoke to him. He said he loves me. If I believe it? No. How can someone love you if he doesn't want to stay with you? How can someone act and say that he's in love with you while he runs away from you? You, the one he should always stay with him, because you two are supposed to be in love. I can't think about anything but Nate Scott. The one that a week ago didn't even know I existed. I've always felt something for him, not knowing what. When I went to visit Lucas he was there a lot of times and I've always admired him. His capacity to be that good in basketball, to read great books like Pride and Prejudice, his confidence. When I was under the basket during the matches and he had to do his free throws I looked at him, always. I actually was in love with Lucas but I've always admired Nate. He's a beautiful person although the difficulties that he had to overtake during his life.
I miss him so much.
"Miss u." I type unconsciously under Brooke's advice. I'm listening to King of my Heart. At this point is the soundtrack of my life. I typed this to Nate hoping he will answer. Yes, we live in the same home but it's so hard to communicate since we avoid each other. Even Brittany and Ji Woo noticed we don't talk anymore. They asked me if everything was ok as always and I told them that's all perfect but they don't know this fucking situation. I called my mom with the tears covering my face while I was crying and it seemed like I was drowning. My mother consoled me on the phone together with my dad. They're always the best people. I'm surrounded by wonderful people but now I can only think of one.